Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Blotter: Baseball Bat Madness, McGumbus Protests Gluten Free Diet

This week in the Hamptons the action continued with a surprising turn of events on Shelter Island and some absolutely terrible batting averages being posted. Only in the Hamptons.

Not Coca-Cola
A driver in Montauk was arrested last week after he was found to be high on cocaine and cocaine was found inside his vehicle. Police responded after a call came in that a man appeared drunk behind the wheel. Cops approached a car sitting parked with its reverse lights and brake lights on, and found the driver passed out behind the wheel, under the influence of cocaine and alcohol, and babbling to himself.

Not Derek Jeter
A man who was blocked into a parking spot by a tour bus and was unable to get out became so angry at the bus driver that he pulled a baseball bat from his car and started to curse at the driver. Police were called and the fight was broken up. No homeruns were hit, no runners were left on base, but an arrest was made.

Bad Housecleaner
A housecleaner in Westhampton was arrested after after forging checks that her clients would leave her after she completed her work. The scam came to light when the woman attempted to add a few zeros to the checks that were written out to her and went to cash them. The scam was foiled when, well, the homeowners noticed they were paying the cleaning lady more than they remembered leaving her.

Shelter Island
Old Man McGumbus—104 years old, current Grand Almighty Ruler for the Shelter Island Shark-Bear-Hawk Society, current World Record holder for most marriages and divorces in a single lifetime, Head Coach for the Shelter Island Rugby club and former World War II fighter pilot—was arrested last week for inciting a riot. The old man organized the largest protest in SI history on the corners of Pigs and Whistle Lane and West Honey Pot Avenue against the gluten-free diet, or “Satan’s diet.” McGumbus appeared intoxicated with rage, holding a pizza and screaming through a bullhorn. A crowd formed, which turned into a keg party. McGumbus, upset that nobody was listening to him and that half of the partygoers were gluten-free fanatics, punched a man, who tried hitting back but punched another man instead. Since most male tourists on Shelter Island can’t fight, the poorly landed punches created a domino effect, starting a riot. McGumbus was arrested at 3 a.m., in his underwear, eating pizza.

A Southampton man reported a bologna sandwich was thrown at him while he was walking. The report is highly suspicious considering that nobody in the Hamptons eats bologna sandwiches.

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