Hamptons Police Blotter: How to Enjoy the Special Sauce in Riverside

Big Mac with Legs
Special Sauce Revealed! Graphic: Oliver Peterson, Legs: Black Photo Studio, Flickr, Big Mac, Kici, Wikimedia Commons

Riverside Reversal
OK, it’s not really clear how you could do this in reverse, but in what’s being described as a “reverse prostitution sting,” five men were arrested in Riverside for soliciting sex from a prostitute—or, should we say, “a prostitute” who was actually an undercover police officer. One of the men was additionally cited for trying to trade cocaine for sex—whoops! Maybe they’re calling it a “reverse sting” because they’ve arrested the “johns” and not the hooker (who, after all, was a cop in this case), but that doesn’t seem at all backwards to me. The operation is part of a recent crackdown on “curbside service” in Riverside.

Do Fries Go With That Shake?
A young couple, apparently confused about the meaning of the phrase “drive-thru,” were recently caught outside of the Riverside McDonald’s on Flanders Road, pants around their ankles, along the side of the building at 4:45 in the afternoon. Police interrupted the couple’s happy meal—Big Mac and Filet-O-Fish were presumably returned to their wrappers—and took the two to Hampton Bays for processing. We always knew there was something in that special sauce!

Sag Harbor Wallet Disappears
In what police are calling a “rare instance of supernatural crime,” a woman’s wallet disappeared into thin air last Sunday. The wallet, a large, pink ladies model, was there one minute and gone the next, and hasn’t been seen since. No attempt has been made to use the various credit cards that were in the wallet when it vanished, so police have concluded that the gods just liked the color.

McGumbus vs. Al Qaeda Hackers
Early Wednesday morning, police were called to investigate abnormal power fluctuations on Shelter Island, after the LIPA substation there reported several unexplained surges. By 5 a.m., the problem had been traced to the residence of WWII veteran and electronics expert Old Man McGumbus, 103, who was found in an illegal, unmapped bunker in his backyard. Police entered the bunker through an opening hidden below an old tree stump. There, buried beneath 12 feet of concrete, McGumbus was struggling to reboot his circa 1954 room-sized computer, featuring liquid mercury tanks powering delay line memory, in an apparent effort to combat Al Qaeda hackers who had recently hijacked the Sag Harbor Village website. “Wait till their puny laptops get a load of my UNIVAC I,” cried McGumbus, but police report that each time he threw the switch, sparks shot from various parts of the mainframe computer, and several small fires were already burning in the bunker. Police forcibly removed McGumbus from the premises and filled in the bunker with sand.

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