Hamptons Subway Newsletter: December 28–January 3, 2013

Hair Gel Shocks
Hair Gel Shocks, Photos: Hair - Bangin (Wikimedia Commons) Gel - Kiyok (GFDL)

Week of December 28–January 3, 2013
Riders this past week: 12,711
Rider miles this past week: 102,412

Edie Falco was seen on the subway heading from East Hampton up to the Springs Station at Ashawagh Hall. She was off visiting friends, she said. Liev Schreiber was on the subway with Jimmy Fallon, on the same train but in different cars, heading out of Sag Harbor for East Hampton.

Want to help the Hamptons Subway save money? The subway system hired a team from Bloomingdale’s to put up all the magnificent decorations on our system for the holidays. They are, for the first time, not only on all the platforms but also in all the tunnels. It was an extravagance to hire Bloomingdale’s, and rather than have them come back at further expense to remove the decorations, we are inviting all subway goers to come down to any platform at 2 a.m. on January 3 after the subway system shuts for the night and, as volunteers, take down the decorations and put them in the big bins provided. The third rail in the tunnels will be turned off during this time. Also, be sure not to take decorations home, because they belong to Bloomie’s. Helping us save money could result in reduced subway fares in the future, although we are not guaranteeing this.

Biff Aspinall, the brother of our Commissioner, has discovered that a particular hair gel, when injected into subway shock absorbers, will result in a smoother ride. Employees of Aspinall’s new company, HairGel Shocks Inc., are currently performing these injections at our Montauk Yards, and we expect the smoother rides will be noticeable by the new year.

Joe Williams in maintenance, flagman Horace Harrison and Elaine Aldrich, secretary, celebrated birthdays quietly on Christmas with separate birthday cakes at lunch in the company cafeteria. It’s tough being born on Christmas.

Hamptons Subway will remain open all night long on New Year’s Eve so those who are drunk can take public transport to their hometown stations without getting arrested for DWI. After that, the brisk walk through the cold from station to home should sober them up. Another service brought to you by Hamptons Subway. Do note that service on the system might be shaky that night, because the trains will be operated by our maintenance teams whose usual job is a nightly cleaning and scrubbing when the subway system is closed down.

As a special apology to children for our failure to hold the traditional “Hamptons Subway Count the Cars” contest, the 317 kids who entered anyway were invited by email to ride all the trains on Christmas Day and, in the cars, sit on Santa’s lap. Having a total of 60 Santas sitting in each of the 60 subway cars awaiting children for lap sitting was apparently disconcerting to some children who were upset to see so many Santas at one time. So we apologize for that.

As we turn the page to begin a new year, we reflect upon Ivan Kratz, the illustrious founder of Hamptons Subway, who, using materials he stole while building the Lexington Avenue subway line in 1928, brought them out to the leafy, quiet world of the Hamptons and buried them here as a new Hamptons Subway system so as not to get caught with the goods. We salute you, Mr. Kratz. Merry Christmas wherever you are.


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