Derwood Hodgegrass Stops Snow at Hamptons Border

The snow covered Dan's Country sign near Exit 68 on 495 Monday morning
The snow covered Dan's Country sign near Exit 68 on 495. Photo credit: Eric Feil

While snow hammered the rest of Long Island on Monday morning, the Hamptons remained totally free of the white stuff. So what gives? Why did the snowfall inexplicably cease right at the canal?

It appears we have innovative Southampton billionaire Derwood Hodgegrass and his Sky-Lysium 1.0 climate change system to thank. Back in February, Hodgegrass announced he and his Elysium Workshop think tank were taking up arms against snow and cold weather this winter, using technology from his “much maligned” Sea-Lysium VII ocean warming device — and the result on Monday was nothing short of miraculous.

“We will launch balloons and/or rockets into the atmosphere and warm cloud formations to just above 5 degrees celsius, thereby making it impossible for snow or sleet to form,” the billionaire explained at the time, also noting that he’d created “SnowBlank” rockets to deliver heat to clouds quickly, in the event of a balloon malfunction, or whenever snow requires immediate quelling.

Hodgegrass confirmed late Monday morning that he had indeed deployed Sky-Lysium 1.0 balloons over Southampton and parts east. Flurries momentarily broke through his Sky-Lysium defenses at approximately 10:30 a.m. on Monday, but the billionaire said he launched a battery of SnowBlank rockets and quickly remedied the situation.

“I told you my devices would work,” Hodgegrass exclaimed joyfully in a phone call Monday. “Perhaps the East End community will finally thank me for my good works instead of complaining and calling the DEC, as they did when I attempted to make the ocean swimmable year round.”

Unfortunately, Hodgegrass said his climate change system doesn’t have the longevity to protect the entire East End for the complete duration of the current weather system. “My balloons and rockets can only cover so much for so long,” he said, explaining that his success stopping the snow on Monday morning was more of a demonstration than a full time solution to the Hamptons’ weather problem. “It’s very likely flurries will begin breaking through later this afternoon, but I hope I made some people’s commute a little better this morning,” Hodgegrass added.

The billionaire said he would happily fund a more long term use of his Sky-Lysium 1.0 system, but he’s hesitant to do anything before local officials and others publicly acknowledge him and “show a little appreciation for once.”

Derwood Hodgegrass' Sky-Lysium 1.0 balloon
Derwood Hodgegrass’ Sky-Lysium 1.0 balloon was proven effective on Monday

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