Hamptons Police Blotter: Deer Migrate, McGumbus Sells, Atlas Rocks

McGumbus Takes East Marion
Old Man McGumbus, the 104-year-old WWII veteran and captain of the Shelter Island Association for Phones with Actual Buttons advocacy group, was arrested on Friday night after refusing to remove his “pop-up store” from the street in the quiet village of East Marion. For three days, McGumbus had been hawking merchandise he claimed originated on Shelter Island—with wares ranging from coon-skin caps to homemade venison and squirrel jerkies—from a dilapidated roadside stand near the center of the East End village. The peace of East Marion was further disrupted by the presence of a three-person camera crew, who were documenting McGumbus’s activities in exhaustive detail and interviewing neighbors for use on the show McGumbus Takes East Marion, a series McGumbus has agreed to produce. Police ordered the removal of the stand and camera crew several times, but eventually were forced to physically remove McGumbus, who had become violent. When asked about his reception in East Marion, McGumbus was surprisingly upbeat: “All’s I know is, this is going to be some must-see TV!”

North Haven Deer Shortage Averted
Some residents called North Haven police in distress after seeing large numbers of deer swimming across Shelter Island Sound toward North Haven. Luckily, police had an explanation. It seems a recent cull left North Haven with a dangerously low number of deer, threatening the deer’s ability to decimate gardens and putting at risk the deer’s ability to carry out their traditional duty of “running out into the road when drivers least expect it, with a surprise partner that follows at an unpredictable time.” In recent years, the North Haven deer have also taken on the responsibility of supporting billions of ticks, and the deer’s lower numbers alarmed those concerned with the livelihood of that beloved parasite. Officials were notified, and luckily Shelter Island’s deer, with numbers to spare, were happy to lend a substantial portion of their herd. The Great North Haven Deerlift (note: no deer were actually lifted—they all swam across Shelter Island Sound) commenced on Saturday at 1 a.m., and by dawn North Haven was back to normal.

The Wild West Comes East
Police were called to Bay Street Theatre on Saturday night with reports that a “big crowd” had gathered there and that people were “getting rowdy and hotted up.” When they arrived, they found the reports to be true—some people were even wearing cowboy hats—but before they could ask any questions, a world-class night of Americana music had started up, and the situation was out of control. It was the “Way Out East” concert featuring Nancy Atlas, Caroline Doctorow, and Inda Eaton—sponsored by those varmints at Dan’s Papers!

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