Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Blotter: Border Toll, Local ID, McGumbus Book Signing

Open Borders Cause Consternation
After receiving an overwhelming number of panicked reports about outsiders walking the local streets and driving cars with out-of-state plates, law enforcement officials over the weekend confirmed what has long been suspected: There exist several access points on the western edge of the Island where non-residents can more or less come and go as they please. According to the police report, there are “numerous bridges where relatively unimpeded access to the Island is possible,” as well as “at least two known tunnel complexes wide enough to allow passage of automobile traffic into the heavily urbanized far west of the Island.” Police additionally disclosed that the ongoing efforts to prevent people from crossing to the Island on several rail connections have met with “limited success,” and that other outsiders seem to be making their way here on boats. Police were forced to acknowledge that the closing of all access points to the region is unlikely “for the foreseeable future.” One irate caller put it bluntly: “You’d think if they can’t prevent these people from crossing over, at least they could charge some kind of toll or fee!”

Hamptons Photo ID To Be Required
Officials have begun the rollout of the new photo ID card that will soon be required to prove Hamptons status. Officials announced that “In order to comply with the Hamptons mandate of distinguishing between insiders and outsiders for the purposes of treating outsiders differently and thus maintaining our reputation for exclusivity, it is necessary to be able to distinguish easily and quickly those who belong and those who do not.” Per the new rules, the only people guaranteed an ID are those who have lived east of the Shinnecock Canal from birth. Non-natives who have lived east of the canal for more than 10 years will be entitled to qualify for the ID by passing an examination. Examinees will be required to answer questions like, “How much would you have paid for your house in 1972?” or “How much money would you have now if you had invested in Bridgehampton potato fields in 1963?” Cardholders will be allowed to “act in a superior manner” to non-cardholders without provocation.

McGumbus Sign-Off
Police responded to control crowds as the sidewalks of Shelter Island became nearly impassable this past Saturday as a mob estimated in the hundreds turned out for a book signing. Old Man McGumbus signed copies of his new coffee table art book The Horizontalists: A History, about visionary artists who turn the world on its side. “I like getting horizontal myself,” leered McGumbus to a delighted female admirer.

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