Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Blotter: Blueberry Brawl, Eisalat Assault, Corn Maze

Blueberry Blues
Police were called to intervene in a dispute at a local bakery after a customer, Dr. Lawrence Steckel, became agitated over what he said was “an inadequate number of blueberries” in the blueberry muffin he was eating. The bakery owner, Don Prohaska, contended that Steckel’s blueberry muffin was not in fact a product of his bakery—that Dr. Steckel was actually trespassing at his establishment by consuming a blueberry muffin purchased elsewhere—and that therefore his bakery bore no responsibility for the quantity of blueberries in Steckel’s muffin. As police arrived, they found Dr. Steckel loudly denying having a contraband muffin while at the same time grabbing the muffins on the bakery’s counter and reducing them to crumbs in an attempt to demonstrate that they, too, were deficient in blueberries. The police were able to restrain Steckel, but, given the wreckage of the bakery’s muffins, were unable to resolve whether Steckel’s muffin was purchased at Prohaska’s bakery or not. Steckel was unable to produce a receipt, but is nonetheless vowing legal action to force “new rules regarding the number of blueberries in muffins.”

Eisalat in Altercation
Reality TV star Sergio Eisalat and his girlfriend were arrested over the weekend after becoming violent with a man driving a golf cart. Eisalat was enjoying a quiet weekend in North Sea with his newest gal pal, the German supermodel Fricka Gürken, and the two were out on Sunday afternoon for a ride in Eisalat’s pair of Shriner mini cars when they took a shortcut across the private High Jinx Links golf course. At around 3 p.m., according to the police report, the Shriner mini car driven by Gürken collided with a golf cart being driven by course member Bernard Blumkohl, upon which Eisalat allegedly became enraged and began belaboring Blumkohl about the head with a 9-iron while Gürken held the man down. Police were called to the scene and quickly separated Eisalat from his victim, who was given first aid. This arrest adds to Eisalat’s mounting legal troubles, as he is still facing charges of insurance fraud over his claim of having his egg salad recipe stolen.

Children in the Corn
Detectives are investigating the mass disappearance of roughly 32 schoolteachers. The teachers reportedly entered a corn maze in East Marion on Saturday and have not been seen since. The maze has been thoroughly searched, and helicopters have been used to provide aerial views, but there is still no sign of the missing pedagogues. Police suspect that the teachers are just trying to avoid going back to school.

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