The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of September 4–10, 2014

Week of September 4–10, 2014
Riders this past week: 25,821
Rider miles this past week: 144,745

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Hampton legend Fernanda Niven was seen riding Hamptons Subway between Southampton and Water Mill on Wednesday, wearing a sun-protecting blouse and slacks made by her firm Parasol, something at that moment which seemed unnecessary. Billionaire Mort Zuckerman rode the Hamptons Subway from East Hampton to Sag Harbor. He was carrying a softball and a baseball mitt. New Jersey governor Chris Christie was seen on the Hampton Subway at the Quogue station—he was here two weeks ago—this time wearing dark sunglasses as he waited to hail an eastbound train. His aides said he was at the Jersey Shore, but he wasn’t.

ASSOCIATE COMMISSIONER RESIGNS
The recently appointed associate commissioner Bob Spratt, who replaced popular associate commissioner Zephyr Teachout when she decided to run for governor three weeks ago, resigned to pursue “other interests” on Monday after the Commissioner discovered that Spratt had converted the rooftop of the Hamptons Subway headquarters building in Hampton Bays into a personal private disco that included a hot tub, bar, video theater, water bed and a cadre of women from Uzbekistan. The roof hideway has been removed, cleaned with Clorox and restored to its old hot tar, vent, chimneys, clothesline and pigeon coop use. The enormous oil painting of the topless young woman now hangs in the outer office of Commissioner Aspinall’s suite of offices as a reminder of how quickly he can act.

SWITCHING PROBLEM FIXED AT NOYAC 
The 20-minute delay riders suffered all summer at the Noyac Station has been fixed. The trouble was a frozen track switch, which required all trains needing to be routed temporarily onto a siding to go past the siding and then back onto it to let following express trains pass. A small screw had broken and was jammed in the switch mechanism, and nobody could get it out until last Tuesday, when the pieces were removed with chewed bubble gum attached to the end of a wooden stick lowered down into the workings, thanks to the suggestion of Howie Barnes, a 3rd grader from Southampton Elementary School. Thank you all for your patience.

DELAY AT BRIDGEHAMPTON PLATFORM
Labor Day Weekend crowds caused a terrible problem at the Bridgehampton Platform on Friday at 2 p.m. when a train came in from the west so crowded that nobody could get out of the third car from the front. All attempts to pry people loose failed until a 3rd grader from Southampton Elementary School suggested we try toilet plungers, 10 of which were purchased from a nearby hardware store, and which, when used in unison by 10 subway workers, succeeded in sucking those jammed in there out.

CONFUSED RIDERS
In spite of the signage we put up on all platforms on the Thursday before Labor Day Weekend, many people wound up at the last stop at Westhampton on Monday and refused to get off because they had expected to continue to New York City. Subway police with bullhorns finally persuaded them to depart, and many went up the escalators and took the Hampton Jitney.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Once the weekend got underway and I could see it was going to work out with its usual clocklike military precision, I flew (a reimbursable expense) to Nantucket to meet with Mayor Albertson about whether they should install a subway there, which it turns out, was not a good idea at all. My wife and I stayed through Tuesday to discuss it further.

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