Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Blotter: Deer & Turkey Coup, Flu Warning

McGumbus Arrested for Treason
Old Man McGumbus, 104-year-old dried-meats mogul and animal trainer, was brought in for questioning over the weekend in connection with a recent attempted coup d’etat in which Shelter Island was briefly under the command and control of an alliance of turkeys and deer.

While it has long been known that Shelter Island’s population of human beings is dwarfed by its populations of wild turkeys and deer, especially in the off-season, Shelter Islanders had always taken comfort in the idea that turkeys and deer were sworn enemies and would never join to overthrow the local government. But join they did, and they wrought havoc during their brief reign. The first action was to abolish Thanksgiving—a long cherished goal among the turkeys. Then they cancelled all hunting on the island, at the deer’s insistence. Finally, they began steps to secede from the United States. Officials have always suspected that the insurgent fowl and fauna had been aided and abetted by a human agent or agents, and they now believe McGumbus was the mastermind behind the failed coup. Police allege that a search of McGumbus’s home revealed several turkey and deer costumes, which they believe the old man used in dealings with his co-conspirators.

Medical Warning Issued
As winter approaches, local medical officers are advising that, due to the proven rise in contagion that accompanies colder temperatures, individuals should be alerted to the signs of various maladies and know what steps should be taken in the event that one becomes afflicted. Ulf Krankmann, spokesman for a local medical panic incubator, spoke at a recent emergency press conference.

“This year could be a very bad year for the rockin’ pneumonia,” Krankmann noted, explaining that sufferers of the disease experience high temperatures—so high that they have been known to cause jukeboxes to blow their fuses. Krankmann added that the only way to cure this life-threatening condition is to “get a shot of rhythm and blues, which we thankfully have an abundance of here on the East End.” As for the boogie-woogie flu, which cut a swath across the region last year, Krankmann was less sanguine: “It’s a problem where the young man’s rhythm gets ahold of you. The cure is difficult—victims fall because the joints are too small, they want to kiss her but she’s way too tall, they want to squeeze her but they’re way too low. You just have to wait it out.” The good news: A sure cure for all of these wintertime illnesses will come in January when Nancy Atlas returns to Bay Street Theater for the Fireside Sessions, sponsored by Dan’s Papers.

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