Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Blotter: Staying East, Darkness, Ruins Please

Which Way?
Police responded to traffic jams going west on both County Road 39 and Montauk Highway on Monday, and reported finding that westbound drivers were clogging these busy roads by stopping right before the bridges over the Shinnecock Canal. Police investigations determined that no physical obstruction was preventing cars from crossing the bridges. It seems the drivers, as a group, were apparently getting to the bridges and deciding to turn around and go back the way they came. Bewildered police questioned numerous drivers, and spokesman Lawrence Frick gave a press briefing about the strange development. According to Frick, all of the drivers reported being overcome by a “sudden skepticism that there could be anything on the other side of the canal that would be of the slightest interest to them,” and some were actually “seized with a doubt there even WAS anything at all west of the canal.” While police are able to confirm that the rest of Long Island is “still over there,” Frick announced that both roads have been closed until drivers “overcome their skepticism” and traffic patterns can return to normal.

Who Turned Out the Lights?
Police received numerous panicked phone calls over the course of the last several weeks, with anxious residents reporting “unexplained darkness.” On Thursday, police confirmed that there has in fact been a very pronounced diminishing of sunlight. “It started slowly at first,” explained police spokesman Lars Sonnlicht, “but then there was a sudden drop-off of daylight, and now it’s dark at 5 p.m.!” Sonnlicht reported that police have been looking into the situation, and have turned up some important clues, but are thus far stumped as to why night seems to be appearing so early. “The sergeant thinks the planet might have started spinning more quickly, but we’re trying to rule out other possibilities before accepting that conclusion,” Sonnlicht announced.

Ruins Needed
Officials in Sag Harbor issued an alert last week when they realized the village is in danger of running out of dilapidated buildings. From the warning: “For a long time, Sag Harbor relied upon the crumbling watchcase factory to keep the village in compliance with the guidelines of the Quaint Village Dilapidation Ordinance. With the rejuvenation of that building, it has become necessary to designate other structures to become run-down eyesores.” Officials are hoping that residents will volunteer their own houses to be official ruins—otherwise, it might become necessary to seize properties and forcibly neglect them.

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