The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of November 7–13, 2014

Week of November 7–13, 2014
Riders this past week: 12,812
Rider miles this past week: 84,712

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Seen on the subway Monday afternoon at 4 p.m. was David H. Koch, the billionaire, heading from Bridgehampton to Water Mill. Another billionaire, former NYC mayor Michael Bloomberg, was spotted heading from North Sea to Southampton on Tuesday morning at 6 p.m. And Ron Perelman, the Revlon billionaire, was riding the subway from East Hampton to Amagansett on Friday morning at 9 a.m.

SOUTHAMPTON OFFER REJECTED
Hampton Subway has turned down an offer by the Village of Southampton to refurbish the subway platform in that town. “Not that there was anything wrong with it,” said Mayor Epley. “It was just that it looks like every other subway platform. We wanted to make it a showcase. Marble, chrome, neon, brickwork, videos, floor- to-ceiling glass panels. We would have paid for it. But I guess the subway system is not ready.” Commissioner Aspinall concurred. He commented that this could lead to a blizzard of updates resulting in every platform looking different from every other. “And where would Hamptons Subway be then?” he said. It is true that the recently opened station at Georgica is decorated as a rich man’s library with a bar and butler. But that is an exception that proves the rule, he continued. Also, nobody at Georgica ever uses it. They are just comforted to know it’s there.

POLITICAL POSTER CRIME
Last Wednesday, a man dressed in black was seen at 1 a.m. removing election posters for all Democratic candidates from the walls of the subway tunnel just to the west of the Bridgehampton platform. He looked around to make sure nobody was watching. When our security people approached, however, he shouted “got me” and held out his hands to be handcuffed. Turns out he thought that by taking down election posters, he was committing a crime since this might skew the vote. After some consultation, it was decided that although this was the day AFTER Election Day and the posters were SUPPOSED be taken down, we had him taken into custody anyway. The police went along with it, kept him overnight, and he appeared before a judge in the morning who was also in on it. The judge told him not to do it again and released him into his own custody.

CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTING
The annual Christmas Tree lighting for the subway system will take place on the Southampton platform at 6 p.m. on December 4. This year, our new marketing director, Wayne Harris, is going to spice things up a bit. The crowd will remain on the platform, but the tree will be on the tracks. When the 6 p.m. train pulls out, our elf volunteers will leap down and, avoiding the third rail, work at high speed to decorate it and light it before the next train comes through. Come and cheer them on.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
This Christmas season we will once again have a Santa Claus on each subway car on each train to give out candy to the kiddies all day on December 21. And this time we will have security people roaming the cars to see to it that the Santas, who are all volunteers, do not all assemble in one car to chat when things get slow. Last year when that happened, it really upset some of the children.

The Santas begin their shifts at 10 a.m. and finish at 4 p.m. If you would like to be one, call our Hampton Bays headquarters building on Ponquogue Avenue before December 1. Weight counts. And you get to keep the suit.

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