The Kardashians Take the Hamptons, Sort Of

I’ve never religiously watched The Kardashians but I’ll tune in on occasion.

Their antics are over the top enough to provide decent guilty viewing pleasure, and I was one of the few local residents who didn’t take an extreme opinion on the decision to make Kourtney & Khloé Take the Hamptons.

Turns out, the premiere has revealed what even the most extreme of Kardashi-haters have already come to know is true: Kris Jenner’s clan didn’t cause that big of a stir.

And now we know why: The only time they seemed to leave their North Sea digs was to head to far-flung locales outside of the Hamptons. There’s drama, of course, but it lives in North Sea and is of the serious variety. Like an un-funny episode of a sitcom made even less funny because this is someone’s real life. Or so reality TV says…

The show opened with bright promise. Within the first five minutes, it was feasible to think that—by either sheer luck or extensive research—the producers and the Kardashians actually got the appeal of living out here. Scott Disick and Kourtney Kardashian arrive at their summer rental, only to find themselves locked out. With the key safely enclosed in a lock box, Scott searches for an open window. “There’s gotta be something open,” he says to Kourtney. “It’s the Hamptons. No one cares!”

Yes! Who out here actually owns a bike lock? Who hasn’t left their shoes in a beach parking lot, only to return hours later to find them still there?

With that, the show begins. Kourtney decides to spend summer in the Hamptons to reconnect with her family—children Penelope, 2, and Mason, 4, and babydaddy Scott. She’s enjoying outdoor picnics and watching her son play croquet. Khloé, who is dating rapper French Montana, agrees to come out east for the summer to keep her pregnant sister happy.

Scott, sadly, is suffering from anxiety over finally being on the East Coast, in his hometown, but not being able to share the moment and his family with his parents, both of whom died earlier this year. He shares a few sentimental moments with Khloé, who is going through her own crisis following her recent divorce from Lamar Odom, and the two relate to how demanding and insensitive they think Kourtney is being.

Kourtney thinks that Scott isn’t putting enough effort into family time. Scott doesn’t take her threats to change his behavior seriously, and he makes plans for a few hosting gigs in the city.

The family drama is occasionally intertwined with reminders that they’re in the Hamptons, like occasional scenes of water and stand-up paddleboarders. The sisters also make two references to their fear of ticks, a decidedly Hamptons issue.

While driving through Southampton Village, Kourtney reveals that she likes the stores because they look like little houses. (Truth.) Khloé and Scott also dine at Sen in Sag Harbor, and viewers get to take in their scenic drive back to North Sea via Long Beach Road.

Strangely, Scott and Kourtney only head to the beach once, and only for a few minutes—our guess is it’s an East Hampton beach, but where did the Southampton renters get the parking pass?

Ultimately, Khloe is bored. And Scott also doesn’t think that the Hamptons have enough action. (Nevermind that the clan heads to BuddhaBerry in Montauk, nightlife capital of the East End, for fro-yo. The thought of having a drink or a good time out there is never addressed.)

So the duo leave the Hamptons. Khloé is invited to South Africa with French, where she attends his concert and they drink wine while on a safari.

Scott leaves to head into New York for a few hosting gigs. But Kourtney decides that she has had enough with his partying ways. When he returns to the Hamptons, he finds out that Kourtney has locked him out of the house. Security tells him that he’s no longer allowed on the property. He leaves his car on the driveway, and runs up to the back lawn, pleading with his Juliet, looking down on him from her balcony perch, to let him in. She declines. To be continued…