Hamptons Police Blotter: Dan’s-Time Continuum Breaks

Time capsule reveals this week's Dan's Papers
Time capsule reveals this week's Dan's Papers, Photo: tuk69tuk, eyjafjallajokull, Nastco/iStock/Thinkstock, Oliver Peterson

Mysterious Capsule
Workers laying the foundation for the new Sonic Burger going in at the intersection of Main and Bay Streets in Sag Harbor were surprised to unearth a time capsule underneath the pavement being removed in preparation for pouring cement. According to local officials, there is no note in village records of a time capsule ever being buried in the area, nor is it clear when the area had previously been excavated—although sources knowledgeable about the location agreed that it has been at least three decades since it was last paved over. Adding to the confusion was the contents of the capsule itself. When it was opened, it was found to contain one item only: an issue of Dan’s Papers dated December 5, 2014. That is, it contained the issue of Dan’s Papers that published the article you are currently reading online. Later analysis confirmed that the issue contained in the time capsule and the actual December 5, 2014 edition of Dan’s Papers were alike in every respect. Authorities have contacted Stephen Hawking and are warning residents to be on high alert for a serious breakdown in the space-time continuum.

Trivial Unrest
Police were called in this past Wednesday as a local venue hosting a trivia contest turned into a scene of mayhem. According to eyewitnesses, the trouble started with a poorly worded question asking teams to name the first woman in space. Initially, teams giving the correct answer—which, as you doubtless know, is Soviet cosmonaut Valentina Tereshkova—were not given credit, while teams that erroneously responded with “American astronaut Sally Ride” were awarded points. When the mistake became evident, tempers flared. But according to witnesses, it was when the decision was made to award points for EITHER response that things really got ugly. The venue, packed with edgy trivia contestants, erupted into a madhouse of accusations of cheating and gross unfairness, creating what was described as “a very unpleasant atmosphere.” Police got the crowd under control and left with the warning to “play nice or don’t play at all.”

Wake Up Call
Local authorities have held discussions following last week’s widespread post-turkey mini-hibernation. As has been reported elsewhere, after the Thanksgiving feast last Thursday, November 27, upward of 90 percent of the local population fell into a deep sleep that for many lasted until Sunday morning. Local police forces and emergency crews were left with skeleton staffs. Luckily, streets were deserted. The authorities noted that they were “a little foggy” as to how to avoid this issue next year. It was decided to finish the last of the leftovers and “sleep on it.”

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