The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of December 5–12, 2014

Week of December 5–12, 2014
Riders this past week:12,812
Rider miles this past week: 84,712

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Mayor Epley of Southampton Village, Mayor Gilbride of Sag Harbor Village, Mayor Vegliante of the Village of West Hampton Dunes, Mayor Rickenbach of East Hampton and Mayor Louchheim of Sagaponack were each seen in different cars of the same train heading from Bridgehampton to Water Mill last Monday at 2 p.m. What was that all about? Ron Delsener, the music impresario, was seen in the sixth and final car. But he’s not a mayor.

NORTH FORK SUBWAY LINE?
Residents of the North Fork, envious of the Hamptons residents enjoying the subway on the South Fork, have made numerous requests over the years to have Hamptons Subway extend their lines up there. Truth is, we haven’t thought
there would be enough traffic to warrant a subway line, something which was borne out by the attempt back in 2002 by some farmers to create a North Fork Subway service, which in short order flopped because of the lack of customers (many of whom feared that the tunnel, which was dug not-to-code with pitchforks and shovels, might collapse when they were in it.) Nevertheless Hamptons Subway is reconsidering the North Fork’s dream of having a branch of Hamptons Subway. With all the traffic jams, drunken parties, celebrities and wealthy people up there now, perhaps the North Fork has risen to the level of the Hamptons.

As a result of our reconsidering this, we have decided to agree to dig a subway tunnel under the main street of the North Fork, which when completed will extend the full 30 miles from Riverhead to Orient Point, and we will pay for one stop in Riverhead, provided the other communities each kick in with the $5 million necessary to build the platforms, escalators, toll booths and turnstiles for their individual subway stations. Let’s see the green. Come on, Aquebogue, Cutchogue, Laurel, Mattituck, Southold, Greenport, East Marion, Peconic, Jamesport and Orient. We’ll set a deadline of July 1, 2015. If any three of you cough up the dough in cash before that time, we’ll kick in with Riverhead and you’ll have four stops. Whaddaya say? As for New Suffolk, you’re off the beaten track. Forget it.

LONG MEMORY?
By the way, some readers will recall that Hamptons Subway built a subway spur sideways across the North Fork at Greenport between Sag Harbor and Foxwoods five years ago that was a disaster. On the sea floor under Long Island Sound, the tunnel diggers struck oil. The gusher raced into the tunnel construction (killing three workmen), and if we hadn’t rushed to close off the spur at Sag Harbor with cinder blocks as the black liquid rose, Sag Harbor would not even be in existence today. It’s held since.

Well, one reader wrote, “use the tunnel already dug across the North Fork at Greenport” and we reply, no. Just tapping into it will result in a geyser that would flood Greenport in very short order. What a stupid idea.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CARLA
Carla, who is an associate bookkeeper at Hamptons Subway headquarters in Hampton Bays, celebrates her 42nd birthday next Monday in the cafeteria, with cake and ice cream at 3 p.m. We don’t know her last name. She writes the checks, so she knows it, but nobody else does. We all just call her “Carla.” Happy Birthday, Carla!

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S REPORT
I am on the Riviera in Monte Carlo this week, advising the king about the feasibility of a subway there. I will be home shortly, after I win back the money I lost yesterday.

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