The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of January 9–5, 2015

Week of January 9–5, 2015
Riders this past week: 9,800
Rider miles this past week: 79,002

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Howard Stern was seen on the Hamptons Subway heading from Water Mill toward Bridgehampton enjoying something on his iPod. Local developers Bill Campbell and Dennis Suskind were seen talking on the subway together riding between Shinnecock and Southampton.

ON TIME SERVICE
Some people wonder how we manage to continue the same schedule in both summer and winter—with packed subway trains arriving and departing at regular nine-minute interval. It’s simple. Just count the cars when the train pulls into the station. In summer, each train consists of eight cars. In winter, it is five. So there you are. A byproduct of this is that with only five cars in a train in winter, we can then work on cars that need extensive repairs. For instance, in summer, some cars rattle. Things are loose. Or they lurch. Bad transmission. These things have to wait until winter to be repaired.

BARBERSHOP QUARTETS
Many people complained during the past month that all the live music acts on the platforms are barbershop quartets. You can’t get away from them. Why? Our new entertainment manager, Howie McFee, just loves barbershop quartets, so he doesn’t give out permits to anyone who isn’t a barbershop quartet able to sing Sweet Caroline. Now he’s been replaced so this problem will cease.

NEW LIFE FOR GEORGICA STOP
As you know, the little used Georgica Station is shut down entirely during January and February. But never fear. During these months and then March and April when it’s weekends only, the platform of the Georgica Station is fitted with temporarily installed tropical herb gardens. A new line of Georgica Picante herbs will be grown and then packed to be sold at fine food stores everywhere next summer. Then in May, when the station re-opens full time again, the herb gardens are removed and the platforms fumigated. Who tends these herb gardens? Why it’s the summer concierges for this exclusive subway stop, those who offer wine and cheese to arriving guests during July and August, here in winter line up for the gardening and watering jobs instead of being on the unemployment line.

ESCALATORS
At the suggestion of subway riders always in a hurry, we are now oiling all the escalators leading down to the platforms in anticipation of increasing their speeds for this upcoming summer from 2 miles an hour to 3 miles an hour. Hang onto your hats.

MANSPREADING
According to some people in the know, the New York Subway System is about to launch an anti-manspreading campaign. They’ll have posters up inside the subway cars that show men what they should not do—spreading their legs to occupy two seats instead of one. “It’s rude,” we’re told the captions on the posters will say. Well, we’ve had no complaints here on Hamptons Subway about manspreading. So we’re not going to do that here. Hamptons Subway is a class act, which accounts for all the awards we win in our category in nationwide subway competitions.

TOBOGGANING
We’d like to remind young subway goers and their parents that tobogganing down the ice on the tracks on the steep hill from the Trout Pond turn in Noyac to the straightaway at Long Beach is both dangerous and stupid, especially during the daylight hours when the trains are in full, frequent service there.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Over this weekend, my family will host Agnes Gretch-Kratz, the granddaughter of the late founder of Hamptons Subway, Ivan Kratz. She is recently out of prison, and will stay at our house. If you see her, give her a wave hello.

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