The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of March 6–12, 2015

Week of March 6–12
Riders this past week: 8,910
Rider miles this past week: 97,842

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Our spotters failed to find anybody of importance on the subway system to mention this week. They did locate several way-up-there A-list bold-face names, but when they took out their pads and pencils to write them down, the A-list people waved them off. There were a few B listers of some importance, but you wouldn’t be particularly interested in that. All our spotters are being brought in to be disciplined. There’s A listers out there. Their job is to get them.

THAT DELAY AT SOUTHAMPTON
Everybody is talking about that one-hour delay on the Hampton Subway last Wednesday at 3:20 p.m. It was caused by a stampede, and so we investigated. The incident occurred because of the recent hire of Frank Everybody, a retiree from North Sea who works two days a week. He jumps on a select subway car when a train pulls into Southampton, picks up any trash on the floor or seats, then jumps off. This is why the doors on the train stay open an extra 30 seconds at Southampton. Think about it. Cleaning up a different car each time a train arrives means that, eventually, you get all the cars cleaned. Anyway, last Wednesday he jumped into the third car and a minute went by and he didn’t get off. After a second minute, our agent spoke over the loudspeaker, and instead of saying, “Watch out for the closing doors,” he said, “Would everybody get off the train, please?” That caused the stampede. Everybody, it turns out, is hard of hearing. We regret everything about this.

CHANGE IN SCHEDULE
As we go to press, we learn that we will have to close the tracks westbound coming into the Water Mill Station for an hour beginning at 2 p.m. Saturday. Inspectors have discovered that a screw holding down a third rail is loose. It rattles when a train approaches. You can’t just fix this with a screwdriver, even one with a rubber handle. It’s a big deal. So Saturday at 2 a.m., the A Train Local will be out of service. The alternate route would be, from East Hampton to take the 4 train to Bridgehampton, then the B train local toward Sag Harbor, get off at Long Pond, take the shuttle to Scuttlehole, then get on the D train to Southampton. People coming from Southampton should take the K Train Express Limited to Noyac, then the 2 Train to Mecox and then cross over and go downstairs and take the 5 Train Local to Wainscott during this time.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
We have apologized to President Obama and Prime Minister Netanyahu, who were supposed to meet secretly aboard our special luxury subway car, “The Internationale,” last Monday. “The Internationale” is decked out as an old-fashioned parlor car with club chairs, a mahogany table, chandeliers, a bar, video-conferencing and high-security personnel where important officials can meet in private. It operates as a single car going around our system whenever it is chartered, from 2–5 a.m. for greatest privacy. Last Wednesday at 2 a.m., these important people boarded what turned out to be a regular, shop-worn subway car at the Montauk Station for their important talks. “The Internationale” was nowhere to be found. We didn’t find it until the end of the day when regular riders tweeted about this luxurious chrome-and-leather subway car on the circuit everybody should try. Obviously this was a big mistake on our part.

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