I, Dan Rattiner, hereby announce I am seeking the nomination for President of the United States in 2020. My exploratory committee has taken the temperature of the nation, tested the waters and listened to the pulse of the people. It’s time for action. The people want Dan Rattiner to be their president in 2020, four years after the presidential election of 2016.
How, you might ask, could I possibly want to be president in 2020 when we have yet to know how the country does after 2016? This is a fair question. The answer is the next president—whether Hillary Clinton, Jeb Bush, Marco Rubio or Chris Christie—will screw things up just as the last one and the one before that did. This is a fact. As a result, in 2020, I plan to leave off with the failures of the past and seek to rally the country into the successes of tomorrow. We must move forward.
My campaign slogan will be FORWARD WITH DAN (#ForwardWithDan). I come from humble beginnings. I believe that as Editor-in-Chief of Dan’s Papers over this last half-century I have played a key role in helping our communities of East Hampton and Southampton move forward. On the next larger stage, my key role has helped the County of Suffolk to move forward, somewhat. And on a still larger stage, my supporters say that I have been instrumental in moving the State of New York forward, though just a tiny bit. And so now it is time for me to seek the highest office in the United States so I can show what a man of action can do in moving this nation forward.
I run on a platform of peace, prosperity, harmony, the sanctity of individual freedom, the respect for law and order and, as some long ago President What’s-His-Name said, speaking softly and carrying a big stick. I will bring us together, not only the simple folks and regular folks of my party but also the simple, regular and even the rich folks of the other party. We will all march together, arm in arm, FORWARD WITH DAN, into the future.
But let’s be sensible about all this. The real reason I am running for president in 2020 rather than in 2016 is money. Campaign money, according to my exploratory committee, is the overriding factor. It more than balances out my felonies (one of which was expunged, I will have you know), my proclivity for mistresses (what’s wrong with that?), my many divorces, my graft (what is graft, anyway?) and my failures as a businessman (learning experiences all).
The fact is that 20 years ago, when I was a young whippersnapper, presidential campaign money income lasted from the primary in Iowa until the election in November, a period of just six months. Modest fundraising occurred. Today, the fundraising goes on and on. It’s 18 months of it. The money is enormous. My exploratory committee says if we begin now, ducking in just behind the dozen or so people running for 2016, we can not only ride the back of this in terms of fundraising but also achieve a level of slingshot effect that will catapult us into a five-and-a-half year fundraising program that would dwarf anything by anyone who has ever run for office before. This would virtually guarantee my election in 2020.
It’s been said that if the campaign money spent for 2016 were used instead for the public good, it would provide a higher education for every young person in America, or repair every pothole, or pay for all new bridges and tunnels or even pay for one entire super-advanced jet fighter plane.
As I move forward, those behind me move forward. Get on my coattails. Look for the red, white and blue FORWARD WITH DAN metal bins now being placed on street corners around the country. There are slots for your donations—for super PACs, corporations, nonprofits, children and foreigners. Print your name clearly and use the envelopes provided. Cash only.
And God Bless America.