Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Blotter: Ugly Aircraft Ban, Highway Flashers

Pilots Decry Ugly Airplane Rules
Police were called to maintain order Thursday as angry pilots converged upon a public meeting to protest the latest airport rules. While the airport had previously issued rules pertaining to limits on noisy aircraft, these latest rules are designed to set limits on ugly aircraft. Announcing the rules, airport spokesman Peter Fluger explained that “many homeowners have complained that they are forced to look at some real eyesores, or ‘skysores,’ as we call them, flying over their houses in broad daylight, and the airport is committed to alleviating the problem. Certain makes and models of airplane are widely known to be especially hideous, and these will no longer be allowed to fly in or out of this airport during daylight hours.” Fluger listed numerous skysores, including such models as the Curtiss-Goupel Duck, the P5M Marlin, the Caproni Stripa, the F-117 Nighthawk, and the Beriev Bartini, all of which will now have to take off and land under cover of darkness. The pilots were outraged, and tried to begin a philosophical discussion about form, function and the nature of beauty. Fluger wasn’t buying it: “If you want to fly in the sun, you better have a pretty set of wings, plain and simple,” he said, whereupon the meeting broke up.

Officials Call For Flashers on Highway
The uptick in automobile congestion on County Road 39, congestion that in recent weeks has caused major eastbound delays during the morning rush hour, is spurring local officials to consider making major changes to how traffic is handled on the crucial South Fork artery. “We’re taking ideas from anyone who has them,” one frustrated traffic expert said. “We can’t be limited to an either/or approach, but have to be thinking of this as a both/and kind-of situation.” To that end, a call has gone out for individuals who would be willing to stand by the side of the highway during rush hour and occasionally “flash” passing motorists. These flashers, according to officials, would be required to occasionally expose their groin areas, posteriors or, if female, their bosoms. “The highway department has received funding to experiment with using flashers along the roadside,” announced administrator of highways Harold Mond, explaining that, while they don’t expect the flashers to speed traffic flows, officials hope that drivers will at least be entertained by the spectacle while they sit in traffic. Officials made it clear that full-fledged nudists need not apply, because, as they pointed out, it’s inherently more interesting to watch people who are only intermittently exposing themselves than it is to look at a bunch of naked people standing around.

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