The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: May 29–June 4, 2015

Week of May 29–June 4, 2015
Riders this past week: 27,l98
Rider miles this past week: 241,767

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Vladimir Putin was seen on the Hampton Subway traveling east from Amagansett toward Montauk Thursday morning. He is interested in buying a dacha deep in the forest near Montauk Point. Jon Stewart, the humorist turned filmmaker was seen on the Bridgehampton platform with a camera filming passersby heading for the trains Tuesday. The movie is called Escalator about an escalator to a subway platform that malfunctions. It is a dark noir affair filming in black and white.

POST MEMORIAL DAY CLEANUP
We are pleased to be able to allow the volunteers from the Hamptons Cleanup Environmental Group onto our tracks to clean up all the trash thrown down there over Memorial Day Weekend. They have finished with the beach cleanup and the roadside cleanup and they wanted to clean up something else, so we told them go right ahead, the tracks will be cleaned up sooner than later and our regular staff won’t have to do it. So knock yourselves out, but be sure to always wear the rubber boots we provided, because otherwise the third rail could give you a nasty jolt. We also had them sign a waiver indemnifying us against anything. They’re good people, the environmentalists.

BEACH SPURS TO OPEN
Both the Southampton spur from Monument Square to Coopers Beach and the East Hampton spur from Newtown Lane to Main Beach will open for business next week. Our maintenance crew (not having to clean up on the tracks) are instead scrubbing and polishing the two beach stations to get them open a week earlier than last year. Thank you environmental group. Until then, as you take the regular train, you will be able to briefly hear the Beach Boys music pumping loud as you go by where the boys and girls are working.

HAMPTONSUBWAYDATING.COM
The new Hampton Subway dating service is open. On your computer, go to the site and enter your personal data, and we give you 20 people to meet and a particular “last” subway car ticket for a particular train that leaves the Montauk Yards for a circuit of the system at a particular time. Since the arrival times are indicated on your ticket for each station, you can get on it anywhere. If you don’t like what you see, just get out of that car, and get on another. It’s all up to you. And it’s free, just another service of Hampton Subway. We make the money when you go through the turnstiles.

SURVEILLANCE LAWSUIT
A group of eight people boarded the third car of the Hampton Subway last Friday at 3:22 p.m. at the Southampton stop and for 22 minutes between the Hampton Bays stop and the Westhampton stop discussed filing a class action lawsuit against us to get Hampton Subway to cease spying on the passengers in each of the subway cars with our surveillance cameras. They have not yet filed the suit but if they do, we want to let them know that we know exactly who they are and we do not take kindly to being sued about this. That’s why we have a surveillance system.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
It is my pleasure to welcome you to summer in the Hamptons. Hampton Subway may be underground where you probably imagine it to be always dark, but we are now in negotiations with a tanning studio to turn each platform into a giant walk-in tanning booth. The longer you wait for a train, the darker your tan. Oh, happy day.

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