Police Blotter

Hamptons Officials Consider Paving Roads with Gold

Efforts to repave several roads around the Hamptons were halted this week due to the discovery that the asphalt being used wasn’t “classy” enough.

Officials were first alerted to the unglamorous materials being used in the repaving work by concerned citizens who stormed a public meeting to protest. Police were called in to maintain the peace.

“This is the Hamptons!” shouted one irate protestor. “We want our streets to glitter and gleam under the sun. Not the drab, gray pavement you see in the down-market suburbs.”

Roadwork was halted so officials could investigate citizens’ concerns. When contacted by authorities, the contractor undertaking the repaving acknowledged that there are special mixes of asphalt that incorporate common jewels and flecks of gold to give roads and highways a glittering appearance—“like the Yellow Brick Road in the Emerald City” is how he described it—but these materials are far more costly than ordinary asphalt.

Officials are now debating whether to levy a special one-time tax on all property owners in the area in order to pave area roads with jewels and gold, and have put off the repaving work until they have made a decision.

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