Police Blotter

Bacon Fire Erupts at Hamptons Police HQ

Firefighters and emergency responders were called to Hamptons Police headquarters on Friday morning after a fire broke out in the department’s bacon dispensary. The fire was quickly extinguished and nobody was seriously injured, although one officer was treated at the scene for excessive bacon consumption.

According to department spokesman Larry Hirsch, the bacon losses were extensive but could have been a lot worse.

“Right now, we have an unusually large quantity of bacon in the dispensary, so there’s a big cushion there,” Hirsch told reporters, pointing out that Hamptons Police recently moved to impound all of the bacon in local food stores. The bacon was confiscated after officials learned of newly proven cancer risk posed by the salty, cured pork product.

When questioned as to why the confiscated bacon, weighing close to 5 tons, was still being stored at the department, Hirsch became somewhat defensive. “Originally, the department planned to dispose of the bacon immediately, but once we’d gone to the trouble of loading it all into the dispensary, we thought we’d hang onto it,” he said. “After all, we recently upgraded our kitchens and Chief has a lot of new recipes he’s looking to try.”

In fact, the bacon fire seems to have broken out while the Chief was experimenting with his recently acquired culinary torch, trying to make a flaming bacon garnish for what he calls the “Perfect Bloody Mary.”

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