Police Blotter

McGumbus Bunker Excavated After False Alarm

The Hamptons Police Department reports this week that they began to receive mysterious radio messages after the crippling snowfall experienced across the region, and had trouble locating the source of the transmissions.

“They were distress calls,” police spokesman Larry Hirsch says, “but they did not indicate who they were or from where they were transmitting.”

By using sophisticated satellite triangulation techniques, police were eventually able to trace the radio signal’s source to a beach on Shelter Island, where, after 17 hours of continuous snow and sand removal, they uncovered the underground bunker of Old Man McGumbus. (Longtime readers of the blotter will know that Old Man McGumbus, 105, has been living in a sealed bunker underneath the Shelter Island dunes for well over a year.)

Thinking McGumbus was in need of some urgent assistance, police hastened to unseal the bunker. When McGumbus poked his head out of the metal structure, however, it became clear that he was perfectly healthy.

“I just wanted to tell you personally that you’re all a bunch of weak-kneed wimps for letting a little bit of snow slow you down,” McGumbus said. “I’d rather stay in my bunker than deal with you lily-livered cowards!”

The bunker was quickly resealed.

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