The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of March 10–16, 2016

Week of March 10–16, 2016
Riders this past week: 11,823
Rider miles this past week: 123,812

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Matt Lauer, the TV anchor, was seen on the subway last Tuesday afternoon heading from Sag Harbor to East Hampton, sitting with Jon Stewart, Jay Leno, Bill O’Reilly, Dick Cavett, Katie Couric, Al Roker and Jimmy Fallon. They were all talking at once.

TRUMP APPEARANCE
Donald Trump was scheduled to give one of his famous campaign speeches on the Southampton platform this past Wednesday at 2:30 p.m., and a huge crowd assembled there shouting “Trump! Trump! Trump!” beginning around 2 p.m., and they remained in place until 3:30 p.m., before aides to Mr. Trump said he’d taken a helicopter rather than the subway that day, but people were welcome to take a selfie photograph with a cardboard image of him they had. (Trump University was stamped on the back.) Many took advantage of this opportunity, and the shouts of “Trump! Trump! Trump!” echoed down the tunnels for hours afterwards. Following that event, management of Hamptons Subway has announced it is considering a Trump supporter’s idea of not allowing any Muslims to take the subway if they behave in an obstreperous manner, although that will also apply to anybody if they behave in this way, regardless of gender, creed, religion, hair color, sex, headgear or country of origin.

DELAY AT WATER MILL
Trains were held up in both directions on Sunday at 2 p.m. for a half-hour at the Water Mill Station so needed track repairs could be made on the third rail there. With no trains coming through, our ticket booth operator Fred Carsonite played his collection of railroad songs on his iPhone into the PA system, and so during the delay passengers were able to hear Railroad Bill and the Wabash Cannonball and several others while they waited. After a short time, people began dancing, many of them never got on the trains when they did come through, but just danced the afternoon away down there. Thank you, Fred. The Commissioner has now decided to play train sounds over the PA system softly all day, not with particular songs, but just with the sounds of sliding doors opening and closing, the PA announcements, the squeal of the wheels, the sound of the train horn and shouts and laughter of the passengers. This mix is expected to increase the activity level on all the platforms, which should make people bustle around more happily and think they are on a very respectable subway system, according to the Subway Psychiatrist Ben Melvin.

SELFIES
All the surveillance cameras high up on the pillars on all the platforms will be equipped with smartphone slots beginning Monday. Just climb the pillar, shove your phone into the slot, go back to where your friends are, face the phone, and the camera will automatically take a selfie of you and your friends after 15 seconds. Then you take your phone out so others may do this. Wooden ladders are positioned next to the pillars to help you get up there. Anyone having any problem getting the selfie taken or getting the smartphone back (there have been isolated incidents during testing of phones being swallowed by the surveillance cameras), talk to anyone at the ticket booth to get the temporary use of one of the cell phones we have stashed there in the booths for that purpose.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Several hikers who use the subway tunnels after hours report that there is an old abandoned subway station at Mecox. I am sending some employees down there to see for themselves.

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