Police Blotter

Mellowness Overwhelms Sag Harbor, Vexes Police

The Hamptons Police Department was inundated over the weekend as anxious Sag Harbor residents called to report a sudden outbreak of mellowness.

While a direct connection has yet to be established, this mellowness seemed to coincide with the mysterious presence of all sorts of good vibes radiating from around the Long Wharf in the village—a situation officers first observed and began monitoring on Saturday afternoon.

Police believe the unexpected manifestation of these otherwise inexplicable phenomena can be traced to “wild, trippy music” that could be heard emanating from Bay Street Theater during the period in question.

“I don’t know what music it was,” Hamptons Police spokesman Larry Hirsch said, “but when I heard it, all I could do was picture a bunch of young, hairy people in tie-dyed shirts dancing around as if they were hallucinating. Although I have to say, it even made me feel pretty mellow.”

A similar bout of mellowness enveloped Riverhead when The Lovin’ Spoonful played Suffolk Theater in June of 2014.

Bay Street Theater explained that a tribute to the Grateful Dead was happening at the theater over the weekend and admitted that some of the dangerously mellow sounds being produced onstage were possibly being released into the surrounding environment during the show.

Police continued to monitor the situation through Saturday evening, on the alert for an influx of VW buses—but thankfully these never materialized. “Police did see a Deadhead sticker on a BMW,” said Hirsch, “but when we pulled it over there were just some white-haired, old people inside it. We let them go on their way.”

Hirsch heard someone tell a friend about seeing Deadhead sticker on a Cadillac, though police were unable to locate it.

More concerning, Hirsch heard numerous people threatening others that they would “steel your face,” but no such violence actually occurred. “It was all rather vexing,” Hirsch admitted.

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