Police Blotter

Guacamole Outage Averted in the Hamptons

The Hamptons Police Department received notification last Thursday that guacamole supplies at several local eateries had suddenly run out.

According to police spokesman Larry Hirsch, Hamptons PD officers reacted swiftly. “Within 3 minutes of receiving the call, our officers were actively dealing with the guacamole issue,” Hirsch reports. “We shuttered the restaurants and provided support for patrons who were affected by the situation. Next, immediate steps were taken to determine nearby locations where fresh supplies of guacamole could be obtained and transported to the Hamptons.”

The police took the emergency step of closing roads and holding back passenger trains so that trucks and train cars carrying quantities of surplus guacamole could make their way east without having to battle traffic. And spokesman Hirsch says he was pleased by the top-notch police work that brought a swift end to what could have become a crisis, noting, “Thanks to the work of our officers, we were able to resupply guacamole to the affected areas within two hours of getting the call.”

As of press time, investigations are continuing as police try to determine why they didn’t receive advance word about diminishing supplies of guacamole. Meanwhile, East End Coleslaw Authority president Angie Salett was reportedly conferring with local elected leaders to explore expanding the Coleslaw Authorities’ mandate to add guacamole to the list of condiments subject to the Authority’s jurisdiction. According to Salett, the Coleslaw Authority is the only agency equipped to ensure continuous access to guacamole across the East End.

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