The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of July 14–20, 2016

Week of July 14–20, 2016
Riders this past week: 26,512
Rider miles this past week: 165,012

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Jay Z and Beyoncé were seen riding the subway between Hampton Bays and Quogue last Friday. Billy Joel, carrying a motorcycle helmet, was seen on the subway between Sag Harbor and Noyac on Sunday, and environmentalist and businessman Andy Sabin was seen carrying a glass box with a bunch of salamanders in it between Napeague and Montauk on Thursday.

WEATHER TUNNEL RIDE
Hamptons Subway has partnered with a Silicon Valley company called Environmental Bunny Rabbit (EBR) to bring a “back to nature environment” of special interest to subway riders beginning August 1. This environment, actually a weather environment, will take place down in the tunnel that goes for six miles between the East Hampton stop to the Sag Harbor stop. EBR workmen have been down in the tunnel for weeks creating it. For the month of August, subway riders will experience rain, hail, wind, broiling sun, fog, thunderclaps and lightning out the subway windows during the nine-minute trip between those two towns. This weather will come in unpredictable waves during those nine minutes, so you might leave East Hampton in sunshine and arrive and emerge through the end of the tunnel as it pulls into Sag Harbor in a hailstorm. All people taking this trip are advised to bring raincoats, umbrellas and hats with chinstraps just in case things might go awry. Though all this weather is artificially made either by illusion, CGI or hologram, when you get off the trains, things will be normal. However, families of spiders and bats that fight through the weather along the route are real. Beware.

CLINTON, OBAMA, SANDERS AND TRUMP
One of our spotters saw Barak Obama, Bill and Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders in the lead car of a Hamptons Subway talking animatedly with one another as they headed from Georgica to Sagaponack on Tuesday. Donald Trump, apparently unaware of who was in that car, boarded it at the Sagaponack station but then, seeing the four seated there, did an about face and got off while the sliding doors were still open, and ran down the platform to the next car to board there but the sliding doors shut just before he could do that. He was last seen on the platform, the train pulling away, shouting “the whole system is rigged.”

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
As I’m sure you all know from the front page headlines, I will be busy putting together a defense against the Attorney General’s bogus charges as we head toward the trial in the fall. As a result, I will be turning this column over to my new Assistant Commissioner Jim Parry, who has performed excellently in this new job I have created for him. He’s my son-in-law and a good guy. Don’t be too hard on him.

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