Dan Rattiner's Stories

Federal Watch List: Dangerous Individual Headed to Hamptons

Federal authorities are reportedly considering putting a certain alarming individual on the Federal Watch List. If anyone knows this person and whether he is an angry Shiite, Sunni, ISISian, Talibanite, Mexican, Islamist, Christian, Canadian, Hindu, Russian, man, woman, African-American or Jewish person, please notify the authorities. He is considered possibly armed and dangerous. He has very orange hair.

He wants Russia’s Vladimir Putin to find and send him emails hacked from the personal email of Hillary Clinton. He wants to ban Syrians from entering the United States. He wants to build a wall to stop Mexicans from coming here. He wants a particular Supreme Court Justice fired because she said bad things about him. He threatened to hit some speakers at the Democratic National Convention really hard because of bad things they said. He once told some friends he’d pay the medical bills of anyone who beat a certain person who didn’t like him and got injured doing it.

He wants to meet the head of North Korea one on one. He’s impressed such a young person could become leader. He’s said many Mexicans are rapists. He wants Hillary Clinton put in jail. He says President Obama is a foreigner pretending to be an American. He wants everybody to carry a weapon and be prepared to shoot bad guys when they act up. He flies around in a helicopter with his name on the side and he wants to be the President of the United States. He claims to have been born and raised in Queens.

If in the next few months you see him around the Hamptons or the North Fork or anywhere else on Long Island, report him to the FBI.

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