The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of September 9–15, 2016

Week of September 9–15, 2016
Riders this past week: 30,001
Rider miles this past week: 275,891

DOWN IN THE TUBE
The number of people who used the Hamptons Subway system last week was the most in our history. Nevertheless, there was a lull on Sunday between noon and 2 p.m. when nearly all passengers disappeared from the system. At 11:30 a.m., everybody got off in Bridgehampton for the Hampton Classic Horse Show, including Tom Wolfe, Michael Bloomberg, Southampton Town Supervisor Schneiderman, Linda Bird Francke and thousands of others. Then, at 3:30 p.m., everybody got back on.

MYSTERY CRUISE
Nearly 200 people signed up for our special “Mystery Cruise” last Saturday. According to our new marketing director Freddie Friendly, who thought this up, the train went everywhere on our circuit, which is 60 miles in all between Montauk and Westhampton without stopping then came back to the starting point in Southampton again. Everybody onboard said they had a good time, Friendly told Commissioner Aspinall, though nobody seemed particularly happy about saying that. Someone said, “what a good way to spend $100.” That’s what it cost.

WAXSON WINS
Billy Waxson won Freddie Friendly’s next marketing promotion, which was a contest to name the latest subway car we’d just bought from our Canadian subway car manufacturer Bombardier. Billy’s mom entered the contest for this 11-year-old with the name “Shinnecock,” which Friendly chose as the winner. Waxson’s prize was to take the noon train out of Montauk as the “new” motorman and make it stop all along the way along at all the stops once around the system. Waxson said he knew nothing about this and his mother said “you have to do this, you won,” so Waxson did it but afterwards had as little to say about it as those who did the “Mystery Cruise.”

SUBWAY TO THE JERSEY SHORE?
Yes, you can come out to Montauk on the subway, but if you are intoxicated when you get there you will be put on a train that runs under the Atlantic Ocean to the Jersey shore, which is a route just completed with federal funds and which opens this Saturday. It’s one-way only.

MUSHROOM SURPRISE
The remarkable mushrooms harvested from between the tracks in all our tunnels and bottled and sold in all supermarkets in America have now been determined to be an aphrodisiac by the Federal Food and Drug Commission. There is now a warning label on all the bottles of this product. It reads BEFORE EATING, GET A ROOM. I’m sure you know what they mean.

BEACH FIRE TUBS
All beach fires must be built within the confines of a regulation metal tub beginning September 1. It’s a new law throughout the Hamptons. During September, at both Cooper’s Beach in Southampton and Main Beach in East Hampton, regulation metal tubs will be hanging from hooks at the exits to our subway stops. Find the hooks directly above the sandal rack by the wooden stairs going down and be sure, at the end of the night, to return the tub, all hosed down, to the hook upon which you found it. It’s just another service from the management of Hamptons Subway in gratitude to our riders.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
This was the most profitable summer ever for the Hamptons Subway system. I expect to use the money for a well needed vacation with my family to Kaui in mid-October after the film festival.

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