Hamptons Subway Newsletter: October 28–November 3, 2016

Hamptons Subway Javelin competition
Photo: coward_lion, Wavebreak Media Ltd./123RF

Week of Oct. 28 – November 3, 2016
Riders this past week: 21,412
Rider miles this past week: 100,004

Lee Zeldin, the sitting Republican Congressman from this district, was walking from the eastern end of a Hamptons Subway train shaking hands with subway riders on Thursday when he came upon Democratic challenger Anna Throne-Holst going west. The two never passed each other to continue on. They are there to this day, standing on the coupling device between cars four and five of subway train 36 facing each other.

Our new marketing director Fred Firefly has announced the first sporting event for the Hamptons Subway. It will take place November 4 at 2 a.m. in the Montauk Yards where the subway trains go for their nightly maintenance. The contest is a javelin throw. A double-long train of 12 cars will be set up on a straight set of tracks out at the Montauk Yards, all the doors between the cars will be open and there will be two divisions, one for the men and one for the women. The persons who throw the farthest will receive a one-month subway pass and one of two trophies, one for the men and one for the women. Commissioner Aspinall will officiate.

All celebrities in the Hamptons are being asked to please sign the guest book that will be found hanging from a hook just inside all the turnstiles at all the stations. The guest books, when they fill up, will be available to be seen in the first floor dining room of the Hampton Subway building on Ponquogue Avenue in Hampton Bays and everyone is welcome to stop in and have a look at who’s here. New books will be put out when the earlier book fills up. This is just another project of Marketing Director Fred Firefly. Celebrities are welcome to sign as many books as they like.

As we have done for each of the last five years, the tunnels between all the stations are being decorated with goblins and witches and cobwebs and spiders for the 60-mile annual Spooky Walk on Halloween. Children of all ages in costume are welcome to walk the rails between 2 a.m. and 4 a.m. during the time when the system is shut down for maintenance. That night there will be no nightly maintenance. As in the past, lost children will be taken to the Southampton platform—our most centrally located station—for reunions with parents until the 4 a.m. conclusion of the Spooky Walk, one hour before the morning rush begins again. This gives our maintenance people enough time to remove all the decorations before the system starts up again for the morning rush at 5 a.m. Children not claimed by 5 a.m. will be transported by bus to the Hamptons Subway building in Hampton Bays where they will be officially “de-costumed” so they can be more easily identified.

The annual election of the subway commissioner will take place on Saturday, February 4, 2017. Ballot boxes for the voting will be set up alongside the newsstands on all the platforms. To vote, just show your subway swipe card, which proves you use the subway. Commissioner Aspinall is running for re-election and, if victorious, will enjoy his 17th consecutive term as our commissioner. Marketing Director Fred Firefly has thrown his hat into the ring and has said if people want him to run, he will obey the will of the people. If elected, he says he will appoint a special prosecutor to look into the shenanigans of the current Commissioner during his17-year run.


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