The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of March 17–23, 2017

Week of March 17–23, 2017
Riders this past week: 16,411
Rider miles this past week: 83,245

Alec Baldwin and Donald Trump were seen laughing themselves silly on the subway between Southampton and Hampton Bays last Thursday night. Something was funny, we don’t know what. Matt Lauer and Madonna were seen comparing riding boots on the subway between Bridgehampton and Water Mill on Monday.

An enormous subway tunnel boring machine on a flatbed truck arrived at the steps leading down to the Southampton Station on Monday morning to bore a new tunnel from somewhere to somewhere—it now can be done in a day—but nobody knew where the driver was supposed to bore from or to. He took the machine back to Long Island City until the people at Hamptons Subway straighten this out.

Employees at Hamptons Subway are excited as they begin to use the new medical insurance that the company offers. Called Aspinallcare (it’s named after our Commissioner), it retires the old Obamacare that everybody found so complicated. Aspinallcare is simple. Either you are sick or you are well. If you’re well, you don’t need anything. If you’re sick, the company nurse will give you something for pain and then you will feel better. “This is so simple,” Motorman Eanand O’Shaunnesy said. “I hurt myself lifting something, I went in, the nurse gave me something, I came out feeling better, end of problem.”

The 12 new subway cars from Canada arrived last Friday and were in service as two trains first thing Monday morning. They were purchased by Hamptons Subway management, because the most pressing problem mentioned in the suggestion boxes on the platforms during last year was the problem of the earsplitting squeals the regular subway cars make when going around turns or braking to a halt in the stations. The two new trains have revolutionary new rubberized wheels all around, which are made from the material that noiselessly separates the second stage from the third stage of NASA rockets. Unfortunately, by Tuesday we took the new trains out of service since so many customers didn’t hear the trains. Busily using their smartphones while they waited on the platforms, the trains arrived, the doors opened, the doors closed and the train pulled back out with the straphangers still waiting for them to arrive. These cars are being refitted as we speak with the old screechy metal wheels and should be back in service by Saturday. Meanwhile, waits for trains will increase from 9 minutes to 12 until we get these two trains back into service.

Hamptons Subway has received a petition signed by 146 Wainscotters demanding that the subway train open a new station between Georgica and Sagaponack. If the Subway does that, the distance between these three stops will be less than one mile each, making a considerable delay for anyone traveling from East Hampton to Bridgehampton and not wishing to stop along the way. Nevertheless, Hamptons Subway will hold a public hearing on this matter on April 4, where the general public can speak out. But now we’re told there’s a petition circulating around Wainscott that we NOT build a new stop there because this will just cause more people to find out about this rural enclave. You can’t win.


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