The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of April 21–27, 2017

Week of April 21–27, 2017
Riders this past week: 18,412
Rider miles this past week: 98,422

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Leif Hope, Mike Lupica, Carl Bernstein, Mayor Rickenbacker, Eric Ernst and several others took the subway carrying bats, mitts and balls from East Hampton to Sag Harbor last Saturday.

CLEANING UP THE PLATFORMS
In alignment with President Trump’s focus on getting government clear of its arts programs, Commissioner Aspinall has announced that all funding for the arts on Hamptons Subway platforms will be ended and the money saved folded into the Subway Security Police’s budget. Ending will be the poster art shows at every station, the violinist stationed at the East Hampton Station, the rock group that performs at Westhampton Beach, the tap dancers in Hampton Bays, the hip hop group that holds forth at the Amagansett Station and the singing Hare Krishnas in Montauk. Riding the subway is a serious business. Because there are no railings where the trains come up alongside the platforms, people waiting for the subway can fall right down onto the tracks to be killed by an oncoming train, as you know. It hasn’t happened yet, but with all the swaying and foot tapping that goes along with music and other arts on the platforms, it is just an accident waiting to happen. Red and white wine from the East End will no longer be served at the kiosks on the platforms either. Who started that anyway?

TUNNEL-BORING MACHINE FOUND
At first we thought our giant subway tunnel-boring machine had been stolen. It was gone from the garage in our Montauk Yards where it is stored. It was as big as a garbage truck. Who would do such a thing? Then, last week, a sinkhole appeared in Montauk, about a mile from the Yard. Montauk has never had a sinkhole. A Buick had fallen 20 feet down into it, and it was while a crane was lifting that car up that our boring machine appeared down there, coming in from the side to snatch and “eat” the car, before disappearing again. So the machine is under there. At any time, if you feel the ground shake and it’s getting stronger and stronger, please immediately call 911. Then run.

SUMMER RENTALS AVAILABLE
Last summer, without us really knowing the rules about summer rentals in the Hamptons, we made the mistake of running summer share operations in two of our subway tunnels. When the subway was built, storage rooms, accessible through large iron doors from the tunnel itself halfway between every two stops were built. They’ve never been used. Anyway, last spring we put 50 beds along each wall of the storage rooms between Southampton and Water Mill so young people who otherwise can’t afford the Hamptons would have a place to stay. $200 a weekend per bed. Couldn’t be beat. And we did make a pile of money. Until the town police busted our operation.

This year, we’re doing something different we hope the town will like. We’re offering up these beds for affordable housing for the elderly. We’ll get around to ventilation, heat, running water and lighting issues soon. (The city kids didn’t care.) Meanwhile, at $1,000 a month year-round, well, it’s perfect for golden years people. And the security—well, we lock the iron door every midnight. And from then until 7 a.m., well, it’s as tight as a bug in a rug.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
You might think that springtime is the best time to be out and about after the long winter we’ve had, but you should also consider going down for a ride on the Hamptons Subway at this time. No reason. Keeps you out of the sun.

READ MORE HAMPTONS SUBWAY

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