The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of May 12–18, 2017

Week of May 12–18, 2017
Riders this past week: 23,099
Rider miles this past week: 101,826

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Sculptor Hans Van de Bovenkamp was seen struggling to get a huge bronze sculpture onto a subway car at the Sag Harbor station for transport to a client in Westhampton Beach Monday morning. There’s a long list of things you cannot bring onto our subway system (snakes, etc.), but bronze sculptures is not on the list, so it’s just about fitting sculptures through the doors. Surfer-author William Finnegan was seen on his way to Ditch Plains with a short board on Thursday. Surfboards are also legal.

AND THE WINNER IS….
Last week, we faced a dilemma that we asked riders to solve. The lease was up for the food kiosk on all the platforms. We wanted an increase. The present vendor, Subway (the restaurant) said they didn’t want to pay the increase. However, Wendy’s and Chipotle said they would. We asked our riders to vote online. The results are in and are quite a surprise. The winner, in a 74% write-in vote, is Burger Kingski—the Russian version of Burger King. However, it appears that hackers tampered with the balloting and so the results are being discarded and when we get to the bottom of this, we will have a do-over.

HOT RODDERS
At 2 a.m. Sunday morning, some people—we tend to think they were teenagers—got into a subway train in the Montauk yards and drove it west down the Napeague Stretch toward Amagansett at extremely high speed. The German Shepherds guarding the Montauk Yards only barked, instead of biting, so they got away clean. Down in the tunnel speeding through Amagansett, the train hit a bump and leaped up off the tracks, crashing through the roof of the tunnel near Skimhampton Road to fly out of the ground and flatten the Rhinestone Estate which on that day was, thankfully, unoccupied. Both the subway train and the estate were completely destroyed, but the perpetrators ran off before the police and firemen arrived. If anyone has any idea who did this, please contact the East Hampton Town Police. Meanwhile, the subway system is running normally, except with just five subway trains on the system at any one time rather than six—so the time between trains is a bit longer—and subway architects are considering covering the hole in the earth the train emerged from with an enormous glass skylight to become a tourist attraction or exit window for those suffering from claustrophobia. This is called making lemonade out of lemons.

TEN MILLIONTH PASSENGER
Last Thursday, the 10-millionth passenger to use Hamptons Subway since its founding was identified coming through the turnstiles at the Hampton Bays Station. We had the media on the platform there and gifts we wanted to give this rider, but he said he wanted none of it and walked off without identifying himself and boarded a westbound train. He did shout “thank you!” just before the sliding doors closed and the train went off. Seemed like a nice guy. Looked to be about 55, we think.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
It has been reported that for three hours last Saturday afternoon, persons unknown were selling tickets for $20 per bather to use Coopers Beach at the dead-end Hamptons Subway spur at that location. We don’t know who they were, but don’t pay anyone to use Coopers Beach. The beaches are free. It only costs to park your car, and since you arrive by subway your fare includes the use of the beach. Quite a bargain at $2.75, don’t you think?

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