Dan Rattiner's Stories

Trump Tapes: What Could Possibly Be on Those Tapes That Might Exist

Every few days, a man who says he is the son of Nixon’s “Deep Throat” calls our office and asks us to meet him on the ground floor of a particular parking garage in Washington just before dawn. It’s dark and we don’t see his face, and he doesn’t give his name. But he goes by “Wiggly Tongue.” So that’s how we know it’s him. He gives us tapes.

TRUMP TAPE 1
– Okay, Shawn, Kelly, outta here. The story is I asked Comey for loyalty and he declined. Gotta show loyalty. Can’t not have loyalty.

– Right boss. (Sound of door slam)

– I don’t know, dad, what do you think? The FBI is supposed to be loyal only to the Constitution. Not any particular person.

– I’m not a particular person.

– That’s true. I’m just sayin’.

– So maybe the story is I asked him to show loyalty to the Constitution. And he wouldn’t do that. He only offered honesty. Can you believe it? How about that?

– Just leave off the honesty part. Honesty doesn’t fit. Just say the Constitution. Loyalty to the Constitution.

– Okay, outta here you two. Let the world know. (Sound of door slamming)

– I think you should be much tougher.

– Well, that’s you, Steve. What if we say he calls me up and grovels. Wants to have lunch with me. I figure it must be about loyalty. But it’s not. It’s just about honesty. How about that?

– I like the groveling part. You are who you are.

– Well, just leave that out. You’re over the top as usual. Which is why I love ya. Now outta here. Tell the world. (Sound of door slamming)

TRUMP TAPE 2
– So we didn’t talk about how they elected me. We talked about defeating ISIS, okay? I told them never to talk about how they elected me. Never. Never. ISIS was the big deal.

– Okay. It’s about ISIS.

– I gave them good information. Intelligence. It’s how the Israelis do it. Ways to get bombs on airplanes. Or keep bombs from airplanes. You know El Al, the Israeli airline? You’d think El Al would be bombed all the time. But they’re not. All’s quiet. It’s how they do it. I wanted the Russians to have it.

– Do you think the Russians will share the Israeli intelligence with Syria?

– Why would that matter?

– Syria shoots rockets at Israel from time to time.

– Hold on. (Sounds of telephone being dialed) Hello, Vladimir? Listen. I told your guys things I got from Israeli intelligence. So don’t give it to Syria. Okay? Thanks. Bye. There. All fixed.

TRUMP TAPE 3
(Sound of a vacuum cleaner being turned off)

– You know, Carla, he’s such a big shot. He’s got a billion.

– Yes.

– And you’d think it would be enough.

– Yes.

– But he just keeps going and going. He is chasing Warren Buffering, I think. Wants to be the richest. Numero uno.

– I think he’s a good guy.

– Said he’d help us poor folk. He’s just taking away our last penny. Falls outta my pocket. Runs in and picks it up right off the floor. He lies. It’s not right.

– He’s good to me.

– That right?

– Send half my money back to my momma. She has nothing. I see she has something. He knows I do that.

– You an illegal alien or something?

– You could say that.

– I had no idea.

– He takes care of that, too. Pays in cash. Every week. Says thanks, Carla.

– Wow.

– See that executive order there on his desk?

–The new one about no more funds for the arts?

– I’m on page 582. It says Carla [unclear]. My name, right there. Special person. Special skills. Not to be deported. Not my daughter, either. Slipped it right in there. Good man, Mr. Trump.

– We better get back to work. (Sounds of vacuum cleaner being turned back on)

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