In another criminal matter being traced to fur-covered malefactors this week, the Hamptons Police have stumbled upon a previously unknown shoplifting ring seemingly organized and controlled by cats.
The thefts being investigated have all been of catnip-filled cat toys, found at pet-supply stores and at local bookstores and gift shops. Hamptons Police spokesman Larry Hirsch explained how police began to entertain the possibility that they may be dealing with a crime of feline origin.
“Although the catnip toys have all been stolen by human adults, we have eyewitness accounts and surveillance camera footage that show that the human beings don’t seem to be in control of their actions. They enter these stores in a state bordering on the catatonic; they slowly and mechanically proceed to the displays of catnip toys; they grab a handful of toys and conceal them on their persons; and then they slowly and mechanically exit the stores. You’ve never seen anything like this—it’s as if they’re being commanded by an unseen force.”
Hirsch notes that it didn’t require much deductive reasoning on the part of the police for them to conclude that cats would be the most likely species to carry out such a scheme.
“There really isn’t any other plausible explanation—who else wants catnip?”
As a preliminary response, the Hamptons Police have issued a warning to cat owners to be especially cautious when interacting with their animals. “There’s a reason why they fix you with that cold stare,” says Hirsch. “Next thing you know, you’ll be hypnotized and on the way to scoring them some ’nip. Don’t fall for it!”