Hamptons Subway Expands Tunnels Westward

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Madonna, in full riding gear, was seen on the subway heading from Water Mill to Bridgehampton last Saturday afternoon. Also seen on the subway on Sunday afternoon was Jon Stewart, dressed as a circus clown with a big red nose and lipstick, leaving Sag Harbor heading for East Hampton. At least we think it was him.

SECURITY SYSTEM BEING TESTED

Hamptons Subway is going to test out a new security system during the month of June. The subway system has obtained 19 used airport security X-ray machines from the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) at bargain prices at auction and intends to install them just before you get to the turnstiles on all 19 platforms. These X-ray machines show travelers naked to make sure they are not carrying any weapons onto airplanes. They were bought cheap because the TSA is phasing them out after so many complaints. During July, riders will be asked to fill out questionnaires about the experience. Hamptons Subway is always looking for new ways to make sure that all rides are comfortable and safe.

ALVIN TRIMMERHORN HONORED

Alvin Trimmerhorn was honored as Subway Motorman of 2025 with a dinner and a trophy in the company cafeteria last Wednesday night. Mr. Trimmerhorn, 57, joined Hamptons Subway six years ago as a Junior Motorman and has received three promotions to achieve the title of Motorman Second Class. He is a very nice person. Commissioner Bill Aspinall made the presentation.

SUBWAY ADVERTISING

The commissioner has announced new rules for the advertising placards that appear above the doors and windows on the subway cars, beginning June 1. From now on, all placards advertising pawnshops, hemorrhoid creams, bail bonds, false teeth, and ambulance-chasing law firms will be in the back car only, while placards advertising jewelry, shoes, furs, limousine services, and foreign cars will be in the front cars. As they say in the real estate business, it’s location, location, location.

WEDDING RING

An expensive wedding ring was found on the tracks late Wednesday night by Fred Fallows, one of our maintenance men who was out sweeping up at 3 a.m. in the tunnel just east of Southampton. The subway is shut down for maintenance from 2 a.m. to 6 a.m. as you know. We’ve taken the ring to a local jeweler who says the diamond is three carats worth $600,000 approximately and the seven red rubies which surround it are worth even more. If you know whose ring this might be and they can identify it, we would happily return it to its rightful owner.

A nearby subway rider reported earlier that night seeing a man and woman shoving one another and shouting loudly in the last car leaving Southampton eastbound, but after awhile, after he heard a window open and close, they calmed down. The witness reporting this didn’t look up during the altercation so couldn’t identify these people but they wanted us to know.

The prior night, maintenance man Bob Cassidy found a rubber ducky on the tracks. We find things out there all the time.

GUN CONTROL

As you know, Hamptons Subway is a private company, not public, so we make our own rules on what we will allow and not allow on the subway cars. As far as guns go, our board of directors was very divided on this topic, some in favor of guns for good people so they could protect themselves from bad people, and others opposed to guns in the same way they fought for no smoking on the subway, which is now the law. In the end, it was decided that guns would be allowed on the subway, but only the kinds of guns that were known at the time of the writing of the U.S. Constitution. So flintlock pistols and blunderbusses are permitted, also cannons, if you can get one down the escalators.

NEW STATION WORK WILL BEGIN

With the approvals given last month, Hamptons Subway is pleased to begin construction extending the subway line westward to Bellport. Currently, the last stop is Speonk, so this is another 4 miles. Work begins Monday with a ribbon-cutting ceremony on the site of the new Bellport station in the center of that village’s main parking lot. After the completion of that platform, one tunnel-boring machine will begin drilling westward from the Speonk station in July and will meet up with a second tunnel-boring machine that will begin boring east from Bellport. Many thanks to the U.S. Department of Transportation, the Environmental Protection Agency, the Town of Southampton, the Town of Brookhaven, the County of Suffolk, the Suffolk Department of Health, and the Suffolk County Water Authority for all their approvals and high fives.

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

I would like to thank every subway staff member who voted for me last week in our biannual election for a new commissioner. It was very gratifying that it was unanimous, and so I eagerly and enthusiastically embark on this, my third term in that office, even though commissioner terms are limited to only two. Your vote reassures me that as far as my decision-making for Hamptons Subway in the past is concerned, I am on the right track. As for the future, I will be happy to take this organization all the way to the light at the tunnel at the end of the line, if that is your wish.

Did I, in the last paragraph, just say I’m glad to see that I am on the right track? Using this homily or preposition or whatever you call that is only further proof that, no matter what I do, even if it is just writing this column, I am always thinking of the Hamptons Subway, which has so many tracks and is always in my mind for future reference.