Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of September 20–27, 2017

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Bob Melvin Rubin was seen riding Hamptons Subway between East Hampton and Amagansett last Thursday. Colson Whitehead was seen riding between Bridgehampton and Sag Harbor on Monday carrying some sort of trophy. George Filopoulous, the driving force behind the restoration of Gurney’s Montauk was seen on the Hamptons Subway between Sag Harbor and Noyac.

SNAKES CAUGHT
A woman carrying a basket of eight poisonous snakes onto the subway—that many snakes is against ordinances—discovered while disembarking at the Southampton station that all eight had vanished out a hole in the bottom of the basket. When she informed Subway officials, a hunt ensued and all eight were successfully rounded up within the hour. Then she remembered there were actually 10 snakes. So, two are still loose. According to the woman, all the snakes have names and the two she forgot are Slippery and Slithery. Both are brown with black triangles down the back. Slippery also has a triangle on his forehead. If you see one, remain still and look down until it goes away, then report it to a Hamptons Subway employee. Do not call the snake by name. Slippery and Slithery hate each other and will get angry if you call one by the other’s name.

DELAY
Due to engine trouble aboard subway train #7 yesterday, that subway train will only be permitted a top speed of 26 miles per hour. The cause is a piston rod malfunction in one of the cylinders—the engine clanks when it goes over 26 m.p.h. and it is expected that #7 will remain crippled for quite awhile, since the parts needed to fix this have been backordered by the Canadian engine manufacturer. Since the normal top speed is 42 miles an hour for all the subway trains, and since the subways come through the system at exactly six minute intervals, subway #7 has to make up the time in the schedule by reducing the number of seconds the subway doors remain open in every station from the regular twenty seconds to eight. Since the train ID numbers do not appear on the outside of the trains, the wisest thing to do in these circumstances is just assume every train coming into any station is #7 and be quick about getting on and off to keep from being left behind.

FALL CLEANUP
Staff members of Hamptons Subway were out last Wednesday on their annual treasure hunt. During the hours between 2 a.m. and 6 a.m., when normal track maintenance is done, employees are permitted to hold the hunt by walking up and down the tracks looking for things left behind by riders. They are permitted to keep what they find. About 25 employees took advantage of this Wednesday night and among the things found were three wedding rings, a mink coat, five cell phones, two cameras, six beach umbrellas, 17 beach inflatables, 15 flip flops, two pairs of pants, a bicycle, five brassieres, three Frisbees and a small gray cat.

An early breakfast was served to these breathless employees at the Hamptons Subway building cafeteria in Hampton Bays at 6:30 a.m. that morning as people arrived to show off what they had got.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
We are proud of Hamptons Subway. Remember, customers come first.

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