Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of October 26–November 1, 2017

By Dan Rattiner

5 minute 10/30/2017

Wine Country North Fork Subway Sign — North Fork Subway? Photo: ViewApart/iStock/Thinkstock

Week of October 26–November 1, 2017
Riders this past week: 28,513
Rider miles this past week: 87,888

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Alec Baldwin and Billy Joel were seen riding together between Bridgehampton and Sag Harbor last Wednesday afternoon showing each other baby pictures.

TALKERUPPER
Hamptons Subway employs several people to take the subway and “talk things up,” keeping it chatty and fun by initiating conversations with others in the subway cars. That’s why people talk to one another on our subway system, but not on any other! At the present time, we have an opening for a “Talkerupper” on our Southampton branch. If you make friends easily, tell good jokes and enjoy others, please apply at the front desk in our Hampton Bays office. Storytellers, good as they may be, are not for this job. Sometimes there just isn’t enough time to get to the punch line.

NO SUBWAY TO MANHATTAN!
It is amazing to us how many times a week we get complaints from people saying they went down to a platform on the Hamptons Subway somewhere to take the subway to Manhattan and were shocked to find that there is no subway line to Manhattan. That some people are telling other people this is very unhelpful. It is fake news. There is a Hamptons Subway, but there is no subway train stop for us from Manhattan. Can you believe it? You have to take the Hampton Jitney to get to Manhattan. The things some people believe.

NORTH FORK SUBWAY?
Once again, as has happened several times in the last 10 years, there have been requests that we extend our line up to Riverhead and then out to Greenport and Orient. We have done the research on this. There just isn’t a large enough population on the North Fork to make this worthwhile. Maybe in a couple more years, when the place gets jammed up wall-to-wall with people as it is down here in the Hamptons, we can have another look at this. Keep your hopes up.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CARL
A birthday party was held in the third floor cafeteria of the Hamptons Subway building on Ponquogue Avenue in Hampton Bays for Carl Binderfass, this company’s Maintenance Manager who makes the trains run on time, for those who didn’t know, is an Austrian Count—a member of that country’s royal family! The cafeteria was jammed with people for the occasion, as Carl is one of our most popular employees, and after the candles were blown out and the cake was cut and served, many of the women in attendance who work in his office and elsewhere in the building spoke glowingly of him, always attentive to the women, but always seeking out romance by asking first and plowing ahead if the answer is yes, not like some of the other men in the office who are often out on their ear—deservedly so—and back on the unemployment line by making unwanted sexual advances here at Hamptons Subway.

“A real gentleman,” said Dorothy Ridge from Human Affairs, referring to Carl. “I love him, we all love him,” said Agnes Gretch from the secretarial pool. “I love all you women,” Carl replied. “And you men too!” He opened a present, and I can’t say in this newsletter what it was. This is a family newsletter.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Things have been going so smoothly here at Hamptons Subway. I have been worried though that on Halloween when all the employees wear costumes, there could be trouble. I remember what happened with Dracula last year when that got out of control.