Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of October 5–11, 2017

By Dan Rattiner

4 minute 10/11/2017

Who wore it better? Alec Baldwin as Trump vs. Donald Trump as Trump? Photos: Will Heath/NBC, actionsports/123RF

Week of October 5–11, 2017
Riders this past week: 29,412
Rider miles this past week: 96,812

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Either Alec Baldwin or Donald Trump was on the Hamptons Subway heading east from Westhampton Beach Friday night. Sagaponack’s Jimmy Fallon was seen on the subway heading for Georgica from East Hampton while playing the kazoo. Subway police discussed the matter and decided not to arrest him as his kazoo playing did not rise to the level of the need for a permit. Someone dressed in a Kim Jong-un costume was trick-or-treating on the subway last Tuesday. He told riders between Amagansett and East Hampton he wanted Tootsie Rolls or he’d blow up San Diego. Trick-or-treating on the subway is only legal on October 31 from 3 p.m. to 9 p.m.

NEW INTERNET SERVICE
Hamptons Subway last year became the first subway of its size to offer free Wi-Fi throughout the system. Since then, we’ve had dozens of employees remotely monitoring customer emails and texts from the Hamptons Subway building in Hampton Bays, sometimes cutting in to offer free advice to riders about various conversations they are having. It’s just another free service from Hamptons Subway.

THE INTERNATIONALE
In spite of our awareness campaign, most riders are still unaware that, after the system closes at 2 a.m. for maintenance, our luxurious L’Internationale subway car slowly winds its way through the system affording presidents, dictators, diplomats and negotiators from around the world a private and discreet place to meet. Many diplomatic breakthroughs have taken place on L’Internationale. For example, (DELETED) and (DELETED) met there last July to discuss (DELETED). And more recently (DELETED) and (DELETED) met to discuss the situation in Venezuela. L’Internationale is available for private meetings, too. Go to our website (DELETED) to arrange reservations.

GIFT FOR CELEBRITIES
New celebrities moving to the Hamptons receive a one-month free subway swipe card as a personal gift from Commissioner “Bill” Aspinall. The celebrity list for who gets one is provided by the Hamptons Celebrity Board (HCB). If you think you should be getting one, go down to any token booth and ask. All token clerks have the list posted (not facing out).

PANDAS STOP THE SHOW
As you probably know, Hamptons Subway allows manufacturers and others to give our customers free gifts as they go through the turnstiles. Most gifts are leftovers from goodie bags and fundraisers—sunglasses, note pads, makeup remover, ear plugs and so forth. The program came to an end last week due to the overzealousness of a particular importer who last Friday night began giving out life-size stuffed panda bears to all subway goers. This not only left less room on the subway cars for the riders—many cars were nearly half stuffed with pandas—but, upon leaving, most straphangers found they were unable to get their pandas back out with them through the turnstiles. Enormous piles of life-size stuffed pandas clogged the exits Friday evening until closing, creating an emergency exit situation that could not be tolerated. So we have ended the program. Too bad.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Two weeks ago, my twin brother Bill Aspinall was arrested for embezzling more than $22 million from Hamptons Subway in the last four years. As a result, I, his twin brother with the same name became Commissioner. He is Bill. I am “Bill.” Last week the Hamptons Subway newsletter published the message Bill sent in from jail, leaving me, “Bill,” with a message nobody ever saw. This confusion can’t continue.