The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of November 23–29, 2017

Week of November 23 – 29, 2017
Riders this past week: 42,443
Rider miles this past week: 132,811

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Seen on Hamptons Subway this week was environmentalist Andy Sabin, who took his bright yellow 10-speed bike onto the subway between Amagansett and East Hampton Thursday to participate in some kind of group ride between East Hampton and Westchester beginning at dawn. Debbie Harry (from the group Blondie) was seen on Friday afternoon riding from Sag Harbor to Noyack.

INJURED AT PARADE
Santa Claus’s arrival at Hamptons Subway occurred last Saturday. The parents and children stood on the Southampton platform at 11 a.m. and watched for the arrival of Santa. As he does every year, he arrived sitting high atop his sleigh pulled by a single subway car from out of the Hampton Bays tunnel. He threw candy canes to the kids on the platform, shouted Ho Ho Ho, and then, responding to the cheers of the kids, stood up and waved a mittened hand at the crowd. Big mistake. As the subway car slowly pulled the sleigh toward the tunnel entrance heading to Water Mill he could not hear the warnings from subway officials over the noise of the crowd and so, standing there, banged his head on the tunnel ceiling entrance and sat down hard. The train disappeared into the tunnel. Everyone worried if the train would make it to Water Mill. It did. He was accompanied from the Water Mill Station to Southampton Hospital for observation, and then, with more candy canes going to the aides, nurses and doctors, he got back on his sleigh and flew off into the sky.

ON YOUR HONOR
The third attempt last week to install a face recognition EZ-PASS system at the turnstiles resulted in an electrical collapse of the entire subway turnstile system. It occurred at the Southampton station eastbound platform on Friday at 7 a.m. when the experts from See Ya Electronics, who have been paid to install the system, pulled the switch to show it had all been fixed and the whole thing went dead everywhere. All turnstiles everywhere froze. Within 10 minutes, with the crowds lining up at the turnstiles, an announcement over the loud speaker said just go under or over them and hand money, whatever you think appropriate, to any subway employee you can find. We want to thank our ridership for their understanding. By next week, we should have the old turnstiles from the 1950s back with the subway token system in place.

THE WIND FARM PLAN
As you know, an offshore wind farm will soon be up and running out in the Atlantic Ocean east of Montauk and there is dispute about where the cable bringing the juice from the ocean into one of the power stations in the Hamptons should arrive. We now learn that the entire length of the subway tunnels is being considered for the cable since we already have the hot “third rail” down on the tracks. The new cable, even hotter, would be just next to it. We’re opposed to this.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARCELO SPARROW
Last Thursday, we blew out the candles on the birthday cake for human resources chief Marcelo in the cafeteria on the fourth floor of the Hamptons Subway building in Hampton Bays. Marcelo, who was born in Mexico on leap year 49 years ago, is undocumented but qualifies for the “Dreamers” program because he is really only 12. Oh wait, this is November.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
It’s been a rocky week here at Hamptons Subway, but we’ve survived and are moving on, onward and upward, and shoulder-to-shoulder, but not touching, of course.

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