Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Submarine Returns with Tough New Captain in 2018

Following a publicly quiet year with no arrests or, thankfully, no major scandals, the Hamptons Police Department’s Virginia-class Submarine, Jaws VIII, will be back on patrol in summer 2018.

In a press conference Friday, Hamptons Police spokesman Larry Hirsch said the Department had moved former submarine captain Finn Zorn to a “less stressful post” after he mistakenly torpedoed a Montauk party boat in August 2016 because he wrongly believed there were weapons aboard. Zorn and his crew were acquitted of wrongdoing in September of that year but “the damage was done,” Hirsch said, pointing out, “The optics were not good for us.”

More recently, newly elected President Donald Trump had attempted to reclaim the decommissioned submarine, which had been given to the HPD in 2015 as part of a program to equip small town police forces with surplus military equipment. “With all of the President’s many initiatives and quarrels, it seems Trump’s desire to take back our sub has fallen by the wayside—at least for now,” Hirsch said. “So, it appears we’re a go for next summer.”

In place of Zorn, Hamptons PD has hired a local fishing boat captain and oft-described “salty sea dog,” Curly McGruff. An imposing 6′ 5″ tall and built like a cinderblock wall, the craggy-faced McGruff rose to prominence in the late 1970s when he founded “Montauk Hand Fishin'” charters. The exceedingly dangerous and violent fishing trips became all the rage after McGruff famously killed a 16-foot great white shark using just his considerable strength, mettle and a nine-inch Bowie knife.

With a torrent of publicity surrounding his exploits, McGruff began offering the experience to visiting tourists, who would get their thrills from chumming the seas and attracting various species of sharks before leaping into the water, serrated knife gripped in their teeth, to slay the beasts mano-a-mano.

The practice was later outlawed after, unsurprisingly, several charter guests were killed.

“As many of you know from his storied past, Captain McGruff is as tough as they come, so we deputized him and put him to work getting Jaws VIII and her crew in shape for the coming season,” Hirsch said. “I don’t envy lawbreakers on the open water,” he continued. “McGruff won’t be letting anyone off with a slap on the wrist next year, so consider this your first and final warning: Maintain your vessels, follow the law and don’t do anything stupid or we’re coming for you.”

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