Guilty: How Trump Could Convince America an Egg Committed a Crime

Donald Trump can make Americans believe anything. This is how he would convince us that an egg with a black mark on it is a real and present danger to America.

This egg was brought to my attention by Representative Carl Segus of Minnesota. Minnesota is a good state. And Carl is a good man. He is also a member of the committee overseeing the Senate FBI Russian Investigating Committee.

This looks like an egg. But it is a fake egg. It ought to be ashamed of itself. Look here on the side. There is this black mark. This confirms the purpose of this egg. This egg is stuffed with a powerful listening device designed to deliver information to Crooked Hillary and her FBI gang, who will use it to discredit the important work I am doing to make America great again.

I will not tolerate this. And any red-blooded American, especially Carl Segus, will not tolerate this, and I have praise, high praise for Carl for bringing this to my attention. This is a disgrace. A lot of people should be ashamed of themselves, and much worse than that. I’ve instructed Carl to bring me more eggs rigged up like this if he can find them.

Congressional Democrats have written their supposed rebuttal about the purpose of this egg. It is 10 pages long. It is a rebuttal designed to confuse and blur the truth. They can’t even get it down to one page. Who wants to read it? Who even understands it? It’s lies. Fake news.

We know who made this egg. Those who made this are good people, Silicon Valley people, engineers, brilliant minds—imagine—and they have made this egg because they were ordered to do so and would be fired if they refused. Those that gave this order must immediately resign. And if they don’t they should be fired. It’s a disgrace, what’s happening to our country.

There are those who say we should hit this egg with a hammer and it will be plain to see that it is only an egg. And I say it has this mark on it. It identifies the egg. And so we know exactly what will happen if we crack it like that. It will self-destruct. Hitting it is a trick. Hitting it is what they want us to do. We will not do it.

I call on all Americans, all red-blooded Americans, regardless of race, creed, skin color or religion—this is America, the home of the free—to call my office in Trump Tower, Mara Lago or the White House any time day or night if you see an egg like this anywhere, even if it doesn’t have the black mark on it (they will have erased the black mark), and we will bring all of them to the real court that matters: the White House, where I will set them on fire. This egg and all future eggs prove once and for all that I neither colluded with the Russians nor obstructed the investigation to find collusion with the Russians—what a witch hunt.

In fact, it was the other way around. It was Hillary and the Russians. And now, their leftover FBI lackeys and illegal immigrants who ordered this egg have been exposed. These people need to be sent to jail. In their place, I need good people, especially at the FBI. People who will investigate what I want them to investigate and not investigate what I don’t want them to investigate. Once I have these good people in place there will be no stopping America.

This egg, I am told, this PARTICULAR egg, is the lead egg to which all other eggs were to report, and it is now in our possession. Is that right, Carl? Yes, it is. The ring is broken.

America the beautiful. We are making America great again.