Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Manage Unruly Canadians in Sag Harbor

On Friday, the Hamptons Police Department began receiving calls from residents of Sag Harbor complaining of rude, lascivious, disgusting and aggressive behavior in the village.

According to Hamptons Police spokesman Larry Hirsch, the complaints were called in from a wide geographic area. “One guy called to say he had been accosted by a stranger on Long Wharf,” Hirsch says. “At the same time a woman called to say she had been groped over on Union Street. Meanwhile, our officers were dealing with a public urination call on Havens Beach.”

Over the course of the weekend, the frequency of calls intensified, and police began to notice something peculiar. “On many of the calls we received, the caller indicated that the perpetrators they were reporting seemed to have Canadian accents,” Hirsch says. “We hadn’t managed to pick anybody up yet, and it was getting a little weird.”

By late Saturday night, mayhem had broken out on Main Street, as a large gang of drunken hooligans, both male and female, many wearing baseball caps with red maple leaves printed on them, swept up and down the block making noise, setting off car alarms, disturbing diners in restaurants, and generally creating a public nuisance. Police moved in and arrested 20 suspects.

At a Sunday press conference, spokesman Hirsch revealed surprising information about the suspects. “They are all in fact Canadians, and nasty ones at that. They got themselves booted off a cruise ship and that’s how Sag Harbor got stuck with them.”

Hirsch explained that, even though the suspects were being “sullen and uncooperative,” searches of their clothing had provided evidence to suggest that they had recently been aboard a cruise liner. A call to the cruise line in question solved the mystery.

“Turns out, these Canadians had been on this cruise ship and had been making life miserable for everybody on it—starting fights, throwing food, getting drunk and vomiting in the pool—you name it. After three days at sea with these punks, the ship’s captain decided that he couldn’t take it anymore—he had to restore order somehow. So he looked at the map and decided the easiest place to jettison these troublemakers was Sag Harbor.

He sneaked over here, his security guys and some of the stronger passengers muscled these Canadians into a life raft, they cut it loose, and next thing you know they’re Sag Harbor’s problem.”

Hirsch reported that the Hamptons Police had contacted Canadian authorities to arrange to hand the suspects over directly. “They keep saying they’re ‘soary’ about it. We just want them to take these guys off our hands!”

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