Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of April 26–May 2, 2018

By Dan Rattiner

4 minute 04/30/2018

Subway driver with robot hands — Newly installed Hamptons Subway robot driver, Photo: macor, Monsit Jangariyawong, higyou/123RF

Week of April 26–May 2, 2018
Riders this past week: 17,825
Rider miles this past week: 86,412

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller was seen sitting on the subway Thursday morning heading west from Westhampton Beach to Quiogue reading a thick document. Some of the straphangers were trying to look at it over his shoulder. Billy Joel was spotted boarding the subway in Bridgehampton on Saturday morning, bound for Sag Harbor.

HELL
Three subway workmen, jackhammering through a concrete floor in the tunnel between Southampton and Water Mill Wednesday, appear to have broken into Dante’s Inferno. Although ultimately overcome by heat, they were able to get out and report what appeared to be the Fifth Circle of Hell. Those guilty of wrath were seen fighting with one another on both the surface and in the fiery waters of the River Styx. The workmen fled but expect to return Friday with others and hope to find further levels, such as for lust or gluttony.

GUARDING AGAINST SHOOTERS
Hamptons Subway has decided to provide armed guards on all the platforms in the Hamptons Subway system. Those interested in being considered for these jobs, please apply at Hamptons Subway headquarters on Ponquogue Road in Hampton Bays before Friday. We intend to choose local high school kids for these posts. Applicants should be of high school age, have fast reflexes, be willing to follow orders, be familiar with the workings of an AR-15 and have high scores on video games where killing bad guys gets you to the next level. Video game tests will be administered and highest scores get the job. So there is no favoritism based on race, creed, religion or anything else.

MOTORMEN REPLACED BY ROBOTS
This Monday will be the first day that all the subways in the system are driven by robots. As we have long serving motormen, some with 20 years experience and tenure who will be replaced, we have decided to do away with the recorded announcement that says “watch out for the sliding door” at every stop and give these fired motorman the job of saying that. Give it a little more personality. So nobody gets thrown out of the company.

SLEAZY ADS
As a result of complaints by many riders, the advertisements over the windows in the subway cars for excessive flatulence, flat feet, corns, injury lawyers, loan consolidation experts, bad teeth, and others of that ilk, will be banished to just one car on each train. If you enjoy these ads, you will now find them in the next-to-the- last car in the train. The other cars will have ads more befitting the Hamptons or just short poems referencing Hamptons Subway, courtesy of some of our local award-winning poets who have given us permission to use them.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
The Commissioner has not been seen since Tuesday. On Monday, armed officers from ICE visited his private office in the penthouse of the Hamptons Subway building on Hampton Bays, and were seen leaving with two officers carrying a very large burlap sack. No one knows what was in the sack, but the Commissioner was gone after ICE left and there is speculation that his early life experience of having come here as an undocumented alien when a baby named Carlos Manana, which was soon changed to Bill Aspinall, may have had something to do with it. We hope so. He is a hard man and not many people like him.