The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of June 14–21, 2018

A new tunnel gave folks free admission to last week's U.S. Open.

Week of June 14–21, 2018
Riders this past week: 28,511
Rider miles this past week: 162,831

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Christie Brinkley and daughter Sailor were seen Monday morning traveling by subway between Sag Harbor and Bridgehampton. Celebrity Chef Ina Garten was spotted on Tuesday traveling from Georgica to East Hampton carrying a bottle of Champagne. John Oliver and Jon Stewart were seen traveling together on the subway from Montauk to Amagansett, talking shop.

SUBWAY MAKES SPECIAL SANDWICH
The Subway restaurant chain, which holds the lease for the food kiosks on all our station platforms, is producing a U.S. Open Special foot-long sandwich this week. It is a club sandwich with lettuce, tomatoes and bacon, but instead of a frilly toothpick holding it together, there is a golf tee. “We spent all last week gluing golf balls to the tees,” said Subway manager Glen Hotspoon. Each golf ball, a gift from Titleist, can be kept as a souvenir.

RUNAWAY TRAIN
On Thursday at 3 p.m., one of our regular subway trains in service bolted after Southampton, picked up speed and went to Westhampton, turned around on the turntable and still, without stopping, went all the way back to Montauk. No passengers could get on or off, and all held on for dear life.

Nothing stopped this runaway train, as it continued from one end of the system to the other for the next three hours, until Glen Melrose, a repairman at the Montauk Yards set out a “dish full of treats” at the entrance to the Yards as the train was leaving Amagansett heading to Montauk.

Apparently sniffing the treats from afar, it slowed as it approached and the passengers, thankfully, were able to get off when it stopped at the dish. This train engine, #62, is getting a thorough going over.

FOR YOUR SAFETY
Beginning on Monday, German Shepherd guard dogs will be stationed aboard every car on every train. They are there for your protection. If they sniff you, do not move. They are just trying to figure you out. Do not pet them or talk to them.

THE NEW TUNNEL BORING MACHINE
Hamptons Subway is among the first subway systems in the country to obtain the new Ajax Subway Tunnel Boring Machine. This monster can drill a hole 20 feet in diameter through 10 yards of rock and dirt every hour. Nothing like this has been on the market before. As a test, we bored a tunnel between the Southampton Main Street subway stop to the Shinnecock Golf Club course in 22 hours.

Realizing this could be a shortcut to the U.S. Open, we set down tracks and had it bore straight up into the woods by the fourth fairway. Those wishing to see the Open without paying should just follow the signs at the Southampton platform to the new platform for the trip over. At the end, climb the ladder. The train runs every hour on the hour from Southampton and every hour on the half-hour coming back.

PHONE CHARGERS
As an additional free service to riders, we are now proud to announce that every car is equipped with an iPhone charger. Located above the sliding doors, it’s yours to use between the stations. Just make sure it is disconnected so as not to dangle down when the train doors slide open.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
The new Mastic Beach Subway boring machine drilling a tunnel toward the Hamptons Subway station at Westhampton has been thwarted. As it neared, we detonated a series of explosions resulting in the collapse of their tunnel. Hamptons Subway has a chic reputation to uphold and we shall not flinch from protecting it.

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