The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of June 22–28, 2018

There's no monster in the tunnels. Ignore the claw marks on our trains.

Week of June 22–28, 2018
Riders this past week: 37,812
Rider miles this past week: 181,831

DOWN IN THE TUBE
The golfer Tiger Woods was seen with his golf clubs going from Sag Harbor to Noyac on Thursday morning looking very determined, but then was seen returning late in the day Friday afternoon looking sad and without his golf clubs. A group of Shinnecock Indians burned some spices, played music, sang and beat drums on the Shinnecock platform until they were asked to move on by subway management because they didn’t have the proper permits.

NORTHWEST
The abandoned subway tunnel built to take passengers from downtown East Hampton to Northwest Village at a time when that village was still in existence is to be repurposed as a fun ride by a group of Brooklyn entrepreneurs. In October it will be a Halloween ride with ghosts and witches, at Christmastime it will be filled with Christmas lights, Chanukah candles, holiday carolers, a fake Santa and his sleigh, piles of presents and good feelings and myrrh, whatever that is. It should open next summer as a Lover’s Lane. In all three cases, the train, which the entrepreneurs are bringing in, will be pulled at slow speed by a coal-fired steam engine manned by three elves. We’ll tell you how this works out. They’ve signed a lease.

GOLF BALL GIFTS
Hamptons Subway has arranged with the U.S. Open to have all the used golf balls found in the rough during the four-day U.S. Open at Shinnecock donated to us so we can give them out as gifts to all our riders for as long as they last. One golf ball will be given to anyone who comes through a turnstile. The course is very long and difficult and there are more than quadruple the number we anticipated, so when you get one, don’t turn it away. If you don’t want it, though, feel free to open a subway car window and just throw it down onto the tracks while the train is going through one of our many tunnels. We will have our maintenance crew pick them up during our nightly maintenance program—the ones not flattened anyway—and brought back to headquarters where they can be given out again at the turnstiles, this time to someone more polite than you are. We recycle. It saves the Earth.

NO MONSTER
We’ve had repeated reports from riders that somewhere in the subway tunnel between Noyac and North Sea there is a fire-breathing monster who comes out at night. We take all reports such as this seriously and have sent crews out with flashlights who have found nothing and have concluded these reports are untrue. The scratch marks and paint scorch marks on the outside of the trains have got to be from some other cause. There’s nothing to fear.

RAISING PRICES
In line with President Trump’s decision to slap tariffs on foreign goods sold in America, Hamptons Subway will do its part. All riders who use the subway system will be charged 25% extra if they are not citizens of the United States. No exceptions. Inspectors from ICE have volunteered to make determinations on those who do not have identity cards for the Subway by observing mannerisms, accents, skin colors and whether or not they understand the rules of baseball and if they will kneel when the National Anthem is played. The anthem will be played over and over again by the token booths where these inspections will be taking place.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
My ancestors came over on the Mayflower, so I have a special pass for myself and my offspring. But I will go through the inspection anyway.

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