The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of July 6–12, 2018

Elon Musk is longer doing secret tests in our tubes.

Week of July 6–12, 2018
Riders this past week: 51,394
Rider miles this past week: 255,913

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Calvin Klein and Ralph Lauren were seen boarding the westbound subway from the luxurious Georgica stop. The concierge held the doors open so they could board at their leisure. In North Haven, Jimmy Buffett was about to board the subway bound for Sag Harbor when a Hamptons Subway security officer stopped him to see if the parrot on his shoulder had the proper paperwork. When the parrot bit the security officer, however, he let them both through.

FOURTH OF JULY UN-FIREWORKS
Wednesday night, thousands of people went down to the subway platforms to enjoy the annual Fourth of July fireworks in all the tunnels.

Instead of the flickering of the fireworks visible from the platforms, the loud booms and, afterwards, the men with their heads and hands bloodied and bandaged brought out from the tunnels on stretchers—what they got this year were dozens of red white and blue candles set up on ladders at the entrances to the tunnels, which, at the appropriate time, subway employees lit with tapers. Quite a disappointment.

The new “celebration” was ordered by the Town after it was realized that the people being brought out on stretchers last July 4th were not actors performing for the crowd, but actually injured people. So it was a safety issue. Some people in the crowd said it was more like a wake than a celebration of Independence Day, but then in these times maybe that was what was appropriate.

MUSK MOVES OUT
For the last six months Elon Musk, the entrepreneur and inventor, has been running experimental tests here at Hamptons Subway on the high speed bullet trains he plans to put in service between San Francisco and Los Angeles.

He bored a tunnel straight as an arrow between Westhampton and Manhattan, was using metals (which are also used in guided missiles in Russia—he got the patents) that can withstand 2,000° temperatures on his test train, and, last Thursday, using a remote control, sent off his first unmanned train to emerge in Manhattan in nine minutes. Instead, it came up in a football field at a high school in Woonsocket, Ohio.

Musk has packed up his gear here at Hamptons Subway and says he intends to do further testing between his Tesla factory in New Jersey and a place in France where he intends to build a factory for the European market someday. He seemed quite disappointed.

“THE MAN WHO CANNOT BE MENTIONED BY NAME” CURVE
The new subway curve in the tunnel between Wainscott and Sagaponack is now in service. It replaces an old stretch of tunnel that didn’t need to curve.

Turns out that “The Man Who Cannot Be Named,” (he is so rich nobody is allowed to mention his name, though everybody knows who he is) objected because part of the straightaway tunnel encroaches under the edge of his property. The curve gets the subway around this encroachment so you will have to put up with it from now on. All of it is being paid for by “The Man Who Cannot Be Named” and he has declared it satisfactory.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
As you know, the annual election to re-elect me as commissioner is on August 1. Over the Fourth of July, I had ordered immigrant subway riders forcibly separated from their children in the cars. I was forced by my opponent in the election to do this. Had he not spoken up against me so nastily, those children and their parents would not be separated. It’s his fault. Vote for me.

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