The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of August 3–9, 2018

Trash baskets are back—just don't use them.

Week of August 3–9, 2018
Riders this past week: 35,233
Rider miles this past week: 179,933

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Bill Clinton was seen riding from Amagansett to Montauk last Monday morning carrying a baseball mitt. With him was Jerry Seinfeld. It’s said Clinton might make another appearance at the Artists and Writers Charity Softball Game in East Hampton on August 18.

FIRE ON THURSDAY
Hamptons Subway has fire hydrants on all of the platforms. But last Friday the one in Southampton didn’t work when needed for a trash fire in the tunnel just to the west of the platform.

The fire was not big, but the motorman brought his westbound train to a halt with only the last car of the train still at the platform. Southampton Firemen arrived, attached a hose to the hydrant, then boarded the train with it and snaked it through all the cars to the front. There, the firemen pushed the nozzle out of the motorman’s window and relayed a shout backwards through the cars to the platform to turn the water on. Nothing happened. No water. Instead, passengers, eager to help, all handed off their water bottles—everybody carries water bottles these days—which went passenger to passenger, bucket-brigade fashion, to the fire fighters, who, braving the third rail, jumped onto the tracks and sprinkled the water on the blaze until it went out.

As a result, Commissioner Aspinall has ordered all hydrants tested daily for the rest of the summer, medals issued to all firefighters and passengers, and free water to everyone at the Southampton station until Labor Day. After the fire was put out, there was a 10-minute delay as the hose was un-snaked. The train then continued on.

TRASH BASKETS BACK
Another result of this small trash fire is the return of trash baskets on all the platforms. They had been removed just before Memorial Day as a cost-saving measure, combined with the belief that passengers, seeing there were no trash baskets, would just pocket their trash until they got up to the trash baskets on the street corners above. That, apparently, has not been as successful as hoped. There remains a controversy among subway officials about whether returning the trash baskets will help. As a result, the trash baskets are back, but all have signs on them reading “PLEASE DO NOT USE TRASH BASKET.” Just ignore that.

TOP CELEBRITIES BANNED
Hamptons Subway, up until now, has been proud to have more celebrities riding the subway per day than any other subway system in America. We encourage this, but this particular summer there have been crowds on platforms ogling the most identifiable celebrities, resulting in people not being able to board trains in a timely fashion. As a result, we are banning the most identifiable celebrities until September. See the list of them at all the turnstiles. If you see one of them on the platform inform the authorities.

BASKETBALL
Members of the Hampton Bays Hellcats, this year’s champion basketball team in the new Median Height Basketball Conference, took the subway on Thursday afternoon from Hampton Bays to Westhampton Beach to be wined and dined for their accomplishment. The Hellcats range in height from 4’ 11” to 7’ 2” and the team meets the median height required in this conference, of 5’ 6”. Members of the team are from the sex they individually identify with, with no questions asked. Coaches keep the median height steady on the court, within one inch, for the whole game as required.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Hats off to the Hellcats. Well done, men.

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