The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of September 14–20, 2018

We're boarding up our trains for the storms.

Week of September 14–20, 2018
Riders this past week: 34,388
Rider miles this past week: 93,812

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Singers Paul Simon, Sir Paul McCartney and Billy Joel were seen riding the subway together from the Montauk Lighthouse station to Amagansett after the Montauk Lighthouse fundraiser last week, where Paul Simon played for the crowd. Simon and McCartney were allowed to bring their guitars on the subway, but Joel, who came with a grand piano on wheels, was told to leave the piano on the platform, which he did.

SUBWAY FOOT LONGS ARE INDEED
The Subway restaurant chain has had a longtime contract with Hamptons Subway to operate food kiosks on all 17 platforms. This summer, for the first time, several customers complained the foot-longs were 11 inches. As a result, Commissioner Aspinall deployed the Hamptons Subway SWAT Team. Armed with rulers, they descended by surprise on every platform exactly at 8:45 a.m. to measure the foot-longs simultaneously. All were at least 12 inches in length, much to the Commissioner’s surprise. He expected at least one sub-12-inch footlong and had intended to impose a 15% tariff because of it. Now he is angry at the SWAT team and intends to investigate them to see if there is a “worm in the apple,” as he put it. We, his staff, try to protect him from his own worse instincts. Sometimes we are successful, sometimes not.

ART SHOW
The third grade class of the new Clarence Bramblewood Prep School in Southampton will be having a lemonade and cheese art opening of the students’ work on the westbound platform of the Water Mill Station on September 22 from 4 to 6 p.m. The artwork, which is intended to simulate graffiti on Hamptons Subway—something that gets scrubbed off every night—was created in Crayola on butcher paper. The show will hang from the platform walls until October 31. Enjoy.

WOOD PANELS
Hamptons Subway trains are safe underground during gales and hurricanes, but during the night when the subway system shuts down so the platforms, tunnels and tracks can be scrubbed clean, they are taken to the above ground Montauk Yards by Fort Pond Bay for their separate going over. Here they are vulnerable to storms, and so when one threatens, the subway car windows are fitted with tight-fitting wooden storm shutters for the night and only the insides are gone over. These shutters get removed as the eight subway trains head for the tunnels at 6 a.m.

Last Wednesday, Abe Fortune, whose job it is to crowbar off the storm shutters as the trains leave, failed to remove the shutters on the last subway train as it went out to pick up passengers at “Downtown Montauk,” the train’s first stop. Without heat or air conditioning, the passengers banged on the windows until the Amagansett stop when everybody staggered off all sweaty and angry as the sliding doors opened.

A lawsuit has followed, not from any passenger (all are okay) but from Abe’s wife Maria Fortune, who said that Commissioner Aspinall’s firing of her husband was a disgraceful harassment, and he should have been issued a warning. He had thought he had done all eight trains. She filed a harassment lawsuit against Hamptons Subway and called Commissioner Aspinall “stupid” on Twitter, and because of that the Commissioner, who tweets every morning, is banning her from ever using the subway and hopes to have her deported to Guatemala before nightfall, even if she is a U.S. citizen. “Sad,” he tweeted.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
This Maria lady should stay out of her husband’s business. Isn’t that what the Women’s Movement is all about? Guatemala here she comes. Sad.

READ MORE HAMPTONS SUBWAY

Facebook Comments

Show More

Related Articles