Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Dept. Creates New Text Alert System

'Right now, it’s kind of like a toy, you know.'

The Hamptons Police announced this week that they have developed a new system for sending text alerts to all of the cell phones in the Hamptons simultaneously.

“Our communications department has been working overtime on this,” Hamptons Police spokesman Larry Hirsch. “It will give us the ability to make rapid contact with the entire population of the South Fork whenever we want.”

It is as yet unclear what use the department intends to make of the new alert system—Hirsch was somewhat vague about this. “Right now, it’s kind of like a toy, you know,” he says. “But when you think about it, there are thousands of ways we could use it.”

Hirsch cited such examples as sending out updates on dress code regulations, issuing blanket warnings about forbidden hairstyles such as man buns, and urging strict adherence to prohibitions on live music.

“It will be like having a good angel on your shoulder,” says Hirsch. “Who knows? Maybe the right alert sent at just the right time will prevent some wavering soul from turning to a life of crime.” According to Hirsch, Hamptons residents can expect to start receiving alerts within a few weeks.

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