Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of October 26–November 2, 2018

By Dan Rattiner

5 minute 10/29/2018

Hamptons Subway sloppily painted blue — Hamptons Subway is open

Week of October 26–November 2, 2018
Riders this past week: 17,411
Rider miles this past week: 88,888

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Edmund Hollander, the famed landscape architect who is designing the new John Steinbeck Waterfront Park in Sag Harbor was seen riding the subway for the second time in four weeks. This time he was spotted traveling from Bridgehampton to Water Mill at 9 p.m. on Saturday. Radio jock Howard Stern, smiling ironically, was spotted riding the subway from Water Mill to Bridgehampton carrying a small puppy in his lap. (Pets are legal on Hamptons Subway so long as they are under their owner’s control.)

NEW SUBWAY COLOR
Hamptons Subway’s new marketing director Janice Wilson, formerly of Detroit Subway, has decreed that Hamptons Subway’s “colors” be revised. They were changed from brown and white to dark green and light green 12 years ago to show Hamptons Subway’s new commitment to the environment. Since the environment hasn’t improved during these 12 years in spite of our efforts, the new colors will be dark blue and light blue, to highlight the need to control sea level and flooding. Expect delays around the system while the painting contractors power-paint this new color décor into place. We hope to minimize the delays by working on different platforms on the system at different times.

DAZED PASSENGERS
For the second time in 10 years, groups of dazed passengers have been stepping off trains at the Westhampton Beach station and coming up the escalators to find that they are no longer in Manhattan. The episode lasted for about five hours beginning at 11:35 a.m. last Monday morning during which time the groups, usually about 50 people at a time, arrived at six-minute intervals, suggesting there was some kind of time warp hook-up between the Hamptons Subway System and the New York City Transit Authority. All passengers who wished to do so were subsequently taken by bus back to Manhattan free of charge. The few that opted to stay have received green cards. It’s the least we can do.

During this same interval, beginning at 11:35 a.m., on Monday, a still unknown number of people boarded subways at Westhampton Beach and were never seen again. The police are investigating this problem and early reports indicate this might have been caused by solar eclipses, although there haven’t been any this year.

PARTY FOR SCOTTY
The red-haired workman we all know as “Scotty” retired from active service with Hamptons Subway at a luncheon in his honor at the Hamptons Subway building in Hampton Bays on Friday afternoon. He has served faithfully for 52 years as the Chief Engineer at the Hamptons Subway power plant in Flanders where his firemen shovel coal into furnaces to create the heat that powers the steam engine systems. Commissioner Aspinall attended the luncheon and presented Scotty McKracken with a gold watch for his long service. He kidded him about all the times he’s called on the phone to shout “we need more power Scotty” and Scotty’s replied “I’m givin’ her all we’ve got, Captain.” He calls the Commissioner “Captain.” It was a grand time. Turns out he was born a Ginsberg but later changed his last name to McKracken.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
I would like to remind people running for office that Hamptons Subway does not allow any unapproved display of signs on our platforms. And that includes those candidates and their admirers who have repeatedly snaked 12-foot-long paper signs down the escalators at various stations, touching the platform, then turn around to take them up and out on the adjacent up escalators. We don’t think this is funny.